My little Ellina was put in an open crib today!!! She looks so big all dressed in clothes. They put her up to 4 breastfeeds a day, which is half her feedings. So far so good, we are starting to see the end of this nicu stay. I found my old sleepers from when I was a baby, I was born at 34 weeks, so I brought those to be the forst thing she wore. Im finding myself seeing the end and having to slow back down, Im normally pretty good about not pushing her too far or too much. Shes starting to really look like Eliza did as a newborn. I love how she is looking more and more like a baby and less like an "old man"=) not that she ever did just a little funny looking without any fat, right? Anyway, isnt she just gorgous? I know her sisters are looking just as pretty in heaven.

Just a quick update on Ellina, She is doing very well. She started nursing 1-2 times a day and is doing very well with it, surprised us all.. She latched well and after the first few times she stayed latched. She has also always gotten plenty enough from nursing that we haven't had to feed her any more after she nurses. So that is just amazing and it makes me extremely proud of her. I also had the doctor come and tell me that that Ellina needs her shots, that's something that scares me to death that I'm gonna make the wrong choice. She is still so little and has no immunities so I don't see that she could fight off anything right now including a fever from a shot. But she also is able to get the deceases way easier too. I don't want to be stuck on an idea either way (shots or no shots) I just want to do whats right by my baby. Another thing we need prayer for is Ellinas eyes, her last 2 eye exams have showed some problems with the growth due from prematurity and oxygen therapy. She is in stage 1 in the left eye and stage 2 in her right. 2 weeks ago is h=when the problem showed up and yesterday they checked and its the same. They say the laser surgery isn't that big a deal but its still all so scary. Now to note my feelings at this point. I always have my good and bad days, it seems that Ive been having more bad lately. I wish I could just have a good cry but I'm not able to, I think I'm still out of tears. There are 3 sets of twins in the nicu right now and that's really not helping me with the bad days, I came to the conclusion that, who and I to judge who deserves what? And none of us deserve our kids just some of us are privileged while others have to experience something else. I never wanted to know what loosing my children felt like but now I hope that I can help someone else by that understanding. Ok so Im very thankful for the children I do have, I think that the blessing is I still have someone to love and to feel for otherwise I think this pain would have taken my feeling all away. Im good though and I know Im gonna make it through

bath time

Weight Gain

Ellina is 3 lbs 4 oz now!!!

Wow I just realin too long since I've said Ellinas weight, she is at 2 lbs 15oz. So one more ounce and she will be 3 lbs! shes been gaining very well. On Wed she will be at 33 weeks. Im exited cause at 34 weeks she can attempt to breastfeed, yey! Im trying not to get my hopes up but maybe she will do great, keep gaining weight and get to go home sooner. But I keep thinking that we will have to have some type of step back at some point. One of the babies in the NICU didnt make it, they said she never had strong lungs. Her mom was the only one I have gotten to know somewhat I wrote her a card and the hospital said they ould pass it on to her, its kinda made me revert to the mad stage again in the greiving process. Nothing is fair right, me and her we wanted our babies so bad and we fought hard. It makes me feel very helpless, it doesnt matter what we do how hard we pray what God wants to happen, happens I guess I need to learn to trust that God will help me through the hard times and yes that Hes taking perfect care of my little girls in heaven. I was listening to the Stephen Curtis Chapman song Heaven is the face.....So I thought I would try and put it on here cause it does state alot of my feelings. Anyway I sometimes feel bad for bringing people down, and keep being so centered on myself. So just so I dont bring everyone down, our pain isnt our only focus here. Many nurses and the Doctors agree that the reason the Ellina is such a great fighter is because of what she has gone through She is a very stroong baby. Ok so I have to get going to the NICU now.