Hi, so Ellina is doing much better, shes been off Tylenol and acting normally, I even have her off oxygen allot, I think she is going to be off if it as soon as she is all recovered. Also Ellina had one of her many doc apts today and; she weight 8lbs 10oz, and 20 inches long, she is up in the 25th percentile when the nicu doctor predicted the 10th for the first part or whole life! also we decided to take her off the fortified breast milk on Tue when I saw her and she still gained weight so we are going to stop that and just monitor weight still. fun fun. The only thing left to worry about at the moment is Ellinas toe. You may remember when she was born that her left leg turned while from the line put in her umbilical cord right after birth, they ended up having to pull it because it would allow circulation to that leg. Well in the surgery they put a line in an artery above that leg and the same thing happened, when she came out of recovery it was much better the it started out but at the end of the day she was left with a very purple toe. Although it look a little better it is still very purple. We finally talked to some specialists and they are quite confident that eventually the blood will flow around and get to the end of the toe it just might take awhile, of course the poor baby it hurts her, I'm kinda assuming its like frostbite because we know that hurts right. Ive been doing pretty good lately, not so many bad days so that's good, I think Cody's been having a harder time, I think he blames himself sometimes because he was gone, its hard for me because we both deal with so many "what ifs?" And one being if he had been there I may have been able to take it easier then I did. also I know Cody feel like he doesn't have the same right to miss the girls as I do. its not that he doesn't care but just struggles with that he wasn't here. I try and remind him that I talked to him every day on the phone and they heard him plus when I went to see him he had a nice conversation with all three babies. Also I discovered that Cody doesn't like talking about his feelings, for me if someone asked me if I'm upset about something its like a realise to say yes that is it. but for him he is like of course it upsets me why'd you bring it up? Anyway Cody could use prayers, and so could I=) Thanks for taking the time to read my rambling

Ellinas surgery

So Ellina had her surgery yesterday, It was so hard for me to hand her over, They went on through both her thighs that went up to her heart. it took 1 1/2 hours for the surgery it self. He said the valve was so tight he was surprised that any blood was going through at all. and using a balloon they were able to stretch it out and consider it a success. So that is great. We spent last night in the hospital to watch and make sure she did OK in hopes of leaving today. Well she was up all night long, in pain, It was so hard to watch my little baby in pain and she really wasn't eating normally, they said that its not normal at all with this surgery, we decided that be cause she was intebated during surgery that maybe the back of her throat was scratched and that's why she isn't eating well. today she continued not to eat well so we are staying another night. so pray that she start eating and acting like herself again. This has been very hard for me. The last time I was over in this area was for my laser surgery. It really has made me miss my babies. Then having to worry about something happening to Ellina killed me. It doesn't help when I know the pain of loss already I just go through the what will I do if something happens?

Surgery

I don't have alot of info about the specifics but Mishael said surgery went good, Ellina is doing well and is in the room with her. Yay!!

Ellinas surgery is finally scheduled, for Fri the 22nd of this month. I'm kinda out of it all the sudden, I'm gonna have to work on this trust thing again. I need Ellina to be okay, I need this surgery to do its job and for her to be okay.
Ive been having some more bad days lately, I keep thinking I'm so tired of being sad, I just wish this pain would leave. I'm working on having a grave stone designed and Decided to bury the girls at the Libby cemetery. So we will be having a ceremony very soon. Oh man its been months and I can actually say that I have allot going on and its not at all untrue.
Ellina has been doing great she seems less sick and gets up to eat but not a ton of crying like she was, I love my kids so much all five of them

And if I go while you're still here

And If I Go While You're Still Here
By Emily Dickinson

And if I go, while you’re still here…
Know that I live on,
Vibrating to a different measure
Behind a thin veil you cannot see through.

You will not see me,
So you must have faith.
i wait for the time when
We can soar together again,
Both aware of each other.

Until then, live your life to the fullest
And when you need me,
Just whisper my name in your heart,
… I will be there.

This was at the hospital right befor e we went home. Ellina loves to sleep next to me

this too is in the hospital I promise to put on some more recent one soon