Just wanted to share... Ellina Joy is doing so amazing! she is crawling, standing and cruising along the furniture! I saw my home visitor for the child development center and she said that most likely next time they screen her she most likely wont be eligible for the services. which is great thing meaning that she is almost all caught up! I'm extremely happy about this. One of my other worries is her eating solids. Now I think its just a matter of time till she will be eating them no problem I think the biggest problem we have now is she wants stuff with FLAVOR! she loves tasting everything but still gags really easy on stuff but if its baby food she doesn't like to eat it I think just cause she thinks it tastes bad poor baby Ill have to research of what foods she should be able t eat. she loves re fried beans just don't know how well her stomach will handle that

Ellinas MRI

Well I have alot to tell you, yesterday Ellina had an MRI on her brain and on both her legs, we went straight to the neurologist after the MRI and got the results on her brain, we are still waiting for the results on her legs. As much as I want to tell you right away about her results I am going to start from the beginning.
As I was driving over the 3 hour drive to Spokane I really started to worry, its been awhile since Ellina has had any anesthesia and I just was worried at how she would do, my mom was worrying saying I shouldn't do it, she doesn't need it etc and I stood my ground, we decided to do it a long time ago, lets just get it over with. And then I'm driving and getting more and more worried.
Well I got there and they let me stay with her almost the whole time, poor baby was so hungry and I couldn't feed her and of course all the prep stuff takes forever, we got there at 9:30 and they didn't have her all ready to start the MRI till 11:15! One thing that was so nice is when they started an IV the nurse didn't have a hard time about finding a vein at all, I was so happy cause Ive have incidents where it takes them 1 1/2 hours to find a vein. Goes to show the benefits of a children's hospital. When the anesthesiologist came in her answered any questions I had, one, they didnt have to put in a breathing tube! so realived! and this stuff that they used wasnt obsourbed by the body but was broken down and out of her system before she even woke up. She fell asleep pretty fast then I was asked to wait about 1 hour till they were done. at about 1 1/2 hours I kinda went into my paronoid place and had to ask the nurse to check that she was ok, she gets on the phone and waiting way too long to tell me she was fine, I think I held my breath, and unfortionatly heard some of those terrible lines in my head (you know the ones where something went terribly wrong) I hate how Ive become that way, but I know what it feels like to be told that, I dont think it will ever leave me. Anyway she did go into recovery and I went in and held her, she started out doing what she always does and flopping around not knowing what to do, then almost right away I gave her a pacifier and she fell asleep. I sat there and dozed myself while rockeing her, whne she woke up she was almost completely normal, she ate and was talking anad trying to sit up. Her body was still a little weak but otherwis normal. So nice compared to the nightmares of coming out of anesthsia in the past.
Then we went to the anesthiaolagist. So here are the things to think about, when babies have twin to twin transfusion, the blood that flows from their body at times goes to another baby, So when we lost the girls thier blood was going to Ellina, this time there was no oxygen in their blood, it is a big worry of causing brain damage, then Ellina also had hydrops inutero (we think she looked like she did after birth) that is the fluid under the skin and also in the brain, and then being born at 25 weeks, brain injuries are pretty normal from being born too early. So here Ellina has all this against her. For her? well yesterday I saw a meaning of a name and it showed me something different, Ellina has 2 sisters in heaven watching over her, they had a purpose to ebing here and I believe felt no pain in passing, just told Ellina they would always watch her and went away peacefully.
I found a meaning to Emmalin's name and decided to go with it, (you know how alot of baby name books have different meanings) but in this one said, "Emma" means "one who heals" "Lyn" means "water fall" and middle name is "Mercy". "Ellianna" means "God has answered" and middle name is "Hope", "Ellina" means "Bright or light" and middle name Joy.
So I don't know if you got it already but here is what I think. I think having "one who heals" in utero with Ellina is what she had going for her and YES her brain had almost no damage, no brain bleeds, no injuries, just a little bit enlarged in the middle from being early, but that isn't cause any of the issues that they would worry it could. That hit me later then maybe Emmalin and Ellianna healed and helped Ellina after passing, maybe that oxygenated blood helped her to be able the breathe and kept her brain from bleeding etc.
And to get back to the name meaning Emmalin, One who heals with waterfalls of Mercy, and Ellianna, God has answered to have Hope, and Ellina, Our Light of Joy.
I have made a decision, I found that this last year when someone asked me how I was doing felt guilty if I said I was doing good, I felt like that was me saying I'm not sad even though I lost 2 of my children. I decided this, I am choosing to be ok, I wont ever stop missing my girls, I wont ever stop acknowledging their existence. They are just as alive as my other kids just in heaven alive (maybe more alive?) But I am choosing to be positive, I am choosing to say I am good, its ok to be good and happy and still miss my babies.

So my continuation, I realized I didnt post about my Ellina, who through everything makes me smile, and makes me see how blessed I am on top of everything else. She is a HUGE blessing and I am truly thankful, This past week she started to Crawl! its so amazing, she can roll from her stomach to back but not very well but if she is on her belly she can get ot a sit up position and go back to crawling! it just really amazing how well she is doing, she has an MRI on Wednesday, but really no concerns right now, she wont eat any solids but not quite old enough to make a fuss about it, just something to work on.

ok so, in the past month I have had a really hard time, I was cynical, depressed, and angry, I think it started with my girls birthday and went off the edge with baby Deidrich (baby that was next to my survivor) dying at 16 months. finally in the last few days I felt my spirits coming back up, and slowly coming out of it I feel good now, thankfully right in time to be able to enjoy my little sister's bridal shower! =)
But there were alot of angry questions and thoughts that I would like to talk about without as much of the anger with it. I made alot of discoveries about myself and my thoughts toward God. please feel free to comment any insight you might have for me on this as any is much needed.
I really question God, I want to trust Him and believe that when I pray for something I can can find some peace. When I first found out my girls were sick I was able to pray for my babies and ask for Gods will, I was ok with believing that His plan could be anything and He would help me through anything. When I went for surgery I realized that I couldnt pray, I realized I couldnt ask Gods will about my children's lives, all I could do is ask was let me hold my babies!!!!
Looking back I realize I am more having a hard time trusting God because not because my girls died, I feel like it happens, God didnt DO it, He allowed it because crappy things happen to everyone. But I begged Him to let my husband be there with me when I delivered our girls and Cody came back almost 24 hours later, we are both so messed up because he wasnt there, didnt get to see our angels and most of my family saw Ellina before he did. I dont know why God coudlnt have just made it so Ellina would have been ok inside one more day.
Talking to someone yesterday about God working in things that are hard, it was weird cause I was saying all the things I know people believe to be true. God will work things out, keep praying about it, you have to trust Him that he brought "that person" in your life for a reason, etc. But it was just weird because I know the lines, just dont know if I believe them. I want to so bad!

first year

Well we had a few smaller first year anniversaries but today is a big one. Today last year I was told that two of my babies had gone to heaven. I had to call my husband because he was gone in training and tell him, and then had to tell the doctors firmly "YES!!! you must try and save my survivor!" It still kills me looking back how many times I was told I should think about it because there was such a low chance that she would be ok. And I know she beat alot of odds and I will never belittle that fact. Looking back over the last year I have to say I don't think the grief part has gotten any easier, its kinda like a decease it has flares. Some days are completely normal and others it consumes us. Over the last week I have had some incidents that have really hurt me. I think because I am nearing their one year birthday I am alot more sensitive and I talk about it more, therefore getting hurtful responses. Thankfully its mostly from strangers or barely acquaintances. and just to say this to all of you reading this, I almost feel bad venting on here for fear that all of you are looking back worrying that you said something wrong.. Don't you are fine, I love all of you guys and I don't want you to worry, all of you that are my friends as long as you have never tried to belittle my pain or tell me I'm better off or should just be thankful (which I totally and extremely thankful for my Ellina) you haven't said anything wrong, I love you guys and are so thankful that you have been there for me.


Anyway I have a few updates on Ellina, She is doing great, has been off oxygen for about a month, and is in physical thereapy and speech therapy and is helping her motor skills tremendously. She can roll from her back to stomach although she rarely does without crying in frustration, she can sit on her own, falling over once in a while but still cant get herself to the sitting up position although she is working on it. The speach therapy was just started and we are still pretty early to draw many conclusions, so far we cant get her to put her tongue out which may mean she is tongue tied and her top lip is short which is kinda a form of tied just on her lip instead of tongue, but we will see, the lip thing isn't a surgical fix just stretching it and stuff.


She also has an MRI the end of this month, not really looking forward to it but I'm not too worried the results either, I want her to have one so we know what brain injuries she has not to find out that she has them, I think most 25 weekers and TTTS babies will have some. She for sure had oxygenated blood going into her brain so there has to be some injuries from that. So other then that Ellina has been somewhat uneventful, shes a great baby, as long as she is being held or talked to, her siblings think the is the best, they sometime 'smother her with love =) I have to keep a close eye. ha ha


On the girls first birthday we are going to do and birthday party/ baby shower/ memorial service for the girls, we are glad we are finally able to get something together for them ince this last year we have been running constantly. If anyone would like to attend or send card or gift I will be registered at target and walmart and the event info is on Facebook you can email me too for address info

Sitting on the couch today watching TV, with the kids and husband, its times like that when my baby is content on my lap that it'll hit me. I turned to say something to Cody and ended up bursting into tears instead. To me I know my girls, they are in heaven growing just like Ellina, only I missing out on it all. I know they are happy and in good hands I just wish I could be part of it. The things that keep hitting me now are questions, Eliza is 19 months and is really loving talking to and "helping" with Ellina, I have to wonder if she would have been able to tell the girls apart. Would she have just been confused? And Gareth, he would have understood that there are three of them but would he have been able to know who was who? I don't know, I find myself having days that I obsess about everyone else's babies, I have a few triplet mom friends and I sometimes look at their pictures and cry, and then I almost feel like a bad person trying to get an idea of what I am missing by using someone else. I obsess over pregnant women, even though I don't think pregnancy is a good idea for us right now, it doesn't change how much my mind says being pregnant would help me heal. I don't really think it would but knowing that doesn't seem to help.
I look at Ellina and she is such a great baby, such a miracle. She was born at 25 weeks, behind in growth, and yet she breathed on her own and never got sick and just did amazing. That shouldn't even be possible, my theory was God knew I couldn't take any more. But then I see these families that took more and more and then I just feel, I don't know, afraid to mention how blessed I was that Ellina has done so well? I pray endlessly for my fellow TTTS moms, mainly that God will help them through this because I know its very difficult.
To my girls Emmalin and Ellianna, You family misses you and will always love you.

Hi, So I guess I'm just crazy busy all the time, The lat month was well insane. My daughter Eliza, is 18 months and got RSV, here Ive been so worried about Ellina getting it so I kept her home most of the time, and Eliza gets it, so when I took her to the doctor they wanted to admit her into the hospital, do breathing treatments etc. it was supposed to be overnight assuming she would be on the mend pretty fast. Well he just kept getting worse, as glad as I was that she was in the hospital through all this it was terrible, I couldn't bring Ellina into the hospital room and so I had to go out to breastfeed her, problem was we couldn't leave Eliza or Ellina alone, so we needed a third person with one of them as we switched, it was fine until one morning all the nurses were busy, they said sorry we don't have anyone to sit with her so you cant leave. Thankfully they finally found someone but not before I started to freak out that either my baby was gonna stave or I was gonna be turned in for leaving my 18 month old daughter unattended. And then their was the challenge at night. the first night I thought it was a given, I had to be home with Ellina so Cody had to stay with Eliza. Well all night long I didn't sleep at all, when I had left Eliza was struggling so hard to breathe and nothing was helping, I have already been told that sorry your babies didn't make it and I just kept thinking it was going to happen again. I kept calling Cody and when he didn't answer, (yes at 2 or so in the morning, why was he sleeping???) so here I was at home feeling helpless. And no sleep for me. So after that I just stayed with Eliza and got up in the middle of the night and went to Ellina, it was awful but it worked. The day Eliza got sent home, Ellina started having trouble, the next day she too went to the hospital, but only over night, we decided that the synagis shot to help prevent RSV, must have helped because she had to be on higher oxygen but other then that no fevers or anything, so we went home the next day...


But now, Three weeks later we all seem much better and I think its safe to say..... Ellina is done with oxygen!!!! yes it feels very weird carrying her around without an attachment but she is doing great, at home I have her monitored and I don't stress it so much when we go places because she is doing so well. So I'm really hoping that she doesn't catch anything and have to go back on.


Anyway, I took Ellina to Physical therapy yesterday, she did an assessment and thinks that the reason Ellina cant roll is because of her smaller leg, she kicks it like crazy but tires easily. So I was given a few exercised to do with her ore then once a day and she said I don't need to see her more then once a month. normally someone would be relived to hear that but for me I was disappointed I finally told her, actually I need help, I am too busy to stay on top of this every day and I just need a little help. So she agreed to work with her once a week. She thinks Ellina is doing actually very well, she is ahead in some things but has what they call gaps, because she can do some things but not the things in between. but we are hoping very soon she will figure out, given the things I was given to help her along