Thursday, April 21, 2011

Sitting on the couch today watching TV, with the kids and husband, its times like that when my baby is content on my lap that it'll hit me. I turned to say something to Cody and ended up bursting into tears instead. To me I know my girls, they are in heaven growing just like Ellina, only I missing out on it all. I know they are happy and in good hands I just wish I could be part of it. The things that keep hitting me now are questions, Eliza is 19 months and is really loving talking to and "helping" with Ellina, I have to wonder if she would have been able to tell the girls apart. Would she have just been confused? And Gareth, he would have understood that there are three of them but would he have been able to know who was who? I don't know, I find myself having days that I obsess about everyone else's babies, I have a few triplet mom friends and I sometimes look at their pictures and cry, and then I almost feel like a bad person trying to get an idea of what I am missing by using someone else. I obsess over pregnant women, even though I don't think pregnancy is a good idea for us right now, it doesn't change how much my mind says being pregnant would help me heal. I don't really think it would but knowing that doesn't seem to help.
I look at Ellina and she is such a great baby, such a miracle. She was born at 25 weeks, behind in growth, and yet she breathed on her own and never got sick and just did amazing. That shouldn't even be possible, my theory was God knew I couldn't take any more. But then I see these families that took more and more and then I just feel, I don't know, afraid to mention how blessed I was that Ellina has done so well? I pray endlessly for my fellow TTTS moms, mainly that God will help them through this because I know its very difficult.
To my girls Emmalin and Ellianna, You family misses you and will always love you.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Hi, So I guess I'm just crazy busy all the time, The lat month was well insane. My daughter Eliza, is 18 months and got RSV, here Ive been so worried about Ellina getting it so I kept her home most of the time, and Eliza gets it, so when I took her to the doctor they wanted to admit her into the hospital, do breathing treatments etc. it was supposed to be overnight assuming she would be on the mend pretty fast. Well he just kept getting worse, as glad as I was that she was in the hospital through all this it was terrible, I couldn't bring Ellina into the hospital room and so I had to go out to breastfeed her, problem was we couldn't leave Eliza or Ellina alone, so we needed a third person with one of them as we switched, it was fine until one morning all the nurses were busy, they said sorry we don't have anyone to sit with her so you cant leave. Thankfully they finally found someone but not before I started to freak out that either my baby was gonna stave or I was gonna be turned in for leaving my 18 month old daughter unattended. And then their was the challenge at night. the first night I thought it was a given, I had to be home with Ellina so Cody had to stay with Eliza. Well all night long I didn't sleep at all, when I had left Eliza was struggling so hard to breathe and nothing was helping, I have already been told that sorry your babies didn't make it and I just kept thinking it was going to happen again. I kept calling Cody and when he didn't answer, (yes at 2 or so in the morning, why was he sleeping???) so here I was at home feeling helpless. And no sleep for me. So after that I just stayed with Eliza and got up in the middle of the night and went to Ellina, it was awful but it worked. The day Eliza got sent home, Ellina started having trouble, the next day she too went to the hospital, but only over night, we decided that the synagis shot to help prevent RSV, must have helped because she had to be on higher oxygen but other then that no fevers or anything, so we went home the next day...

But now, Three weeks later we all seem much better and I think its safe to say..... Ellina is done with oxygen!!!! yes it feels very weird carrying her around without an attachment but she is doing great, at home I have her monitored and I don't stress it so much when we go places because she is doing so well. So I'm really hoping that she doesn't catch anything and have to go back on.

Anyway, I took Ellina to Physical therapy yesterday, she did an assessment and thinks that the reason Ellina cant roll is because of her smaller leg, she kicks it like crazy but tires easily. So I was given a few exercised to do with her ore then once a day and she said I don't need to see her more then once a month. normally someone would be relived to hear that but for me I was disappointed I finally told her, actually I need help, I am too busy to stay on top of this every day and I just need a little help. So she agreed to work with her once a week. She thinks Ellina is doing actually very well, she is ahead in some things but has what they call gaps, because she can do some things but not the things in between. but we are hoping very soon she will figure out, given the things I was given to help her along

Monday, April 18, 2011

The Boys really love their cousins!!!
Sometimes a little too much!!!! But they tolerate it really well!!!