Poem

Twin Angels

Written by unknown

Saturday, 13 February 2010 18:58

Last night two little angels Came and whispered in my ear. And this is what they told me “Don’t worry Mummy, we’re right here. It feels like a long time Since we last felt your touch. And we wanted you to know We miss you and Daddy very much. We know that you love us And think of us every day. And it makes us very sad that we had to go away. But we know that our memory will never ever die. And we know that sometimes When you think of us you cry. But don’t worry Mummy There's so much here to do. And every day remember We are watching over you.” Then my angels kissed me As tears rolled down my face. And I knew we’ll all be together again Another time. Another place.

today was a good day, we finally started bringing Ellina to church as we have gotten so sick this fall and Ellina's handled just fine so although I try and be aware of germs in stores etc I'm not s worried about her catching every bug. So anyway we went to church today, it is something I have to get back into the swing of and I think being there is one of the hardest places for me to go. When we have children and it seems we moms make plans on about everything from the very beginning, one of mine was how to sit in church with 3 babies and a 1 year old and still get something from it. Every time I sit, undisturbed it hits me just one of those dreams shattered. I had some unshed tears at church today. (I really don't cry anymore, still feel like I'm out of real tears). But back to the good part, I keep asking why we are doing Christmas this year, its stressful its drama and why oh why do we have to do holidays?? Today our pastor preached a good sermon about Jesus' birth and then we sang a bunch of Christmas songs and for the first time in this season, I felt it. That feeling of Christmas spirit, I love to sing and I love the story of baby Jesus. It was good for me and not something I plan on forgetting any time soon so merry Christmas everyone and Happy Birthday Jesus!

Well I have to start with big news about Ellina, we saw her eye doctor yesterday and when I am used to seeing him every 1 to 2 weeks he announces to schedule her next appointment in 6 months! Her eye are finally all developed YEY!!!!! I'm not sure what I will do with myself now that I don't have to make a trip to Kalispell every week but I'm sure I'll figure out something=). On Tue we had an appointment with Ellinas orthopedic doctor to check her foot, just to remind you last apt she thought Ellina had a slight club foot and was anticipating casting it this apt. I was really not to keen on the idea because that same leg is so much smaller then the other and I worried about messing more with the muscle. When we got there she said the her foot looked much better and didn't feel that a cast was necessary at all just to keep up with the range of motion like I have been. Although her leg is very different in size I guess all we can do is watch it closely. So two good appointments I'm tired now and have alot of cleaning to do now that we are home.

Here I am, trying to avoid the blog during depression so I don't drag everyone down. I'm doing much better now, I have my days but over all for now I'm ok,
Ellina is doing amazing, she weighed 11lbs 3oz yesterday and is 21 inches long, she is in the 50th percentile for her weight!!! yey we were told that she wouldn't likely be over the tenth! She is pretty much off oxygen although it seem that ever o2 sat monitor I get acts up on me and with her high risk of SIDS I don't take her off oxygen too long without it. she is doing great though eating well, gaining well and smiling all the time, when she smiles her whole body moves its so cute and cooing mainly her and her daddy have lots of conversations. Her eyes are still being watched but improving every time, I'm not really worried about them at this point. If we do end up needing a laser surgery Ill deal. She was seen for her heart last week and her the surgery did its job well. But now without all the turbulence, (is what they call all the back flow her tight valve was causing) they now can see a hole in her heart, its not urgent but the doctor is anticipating it needing surgery when she is around 2 or 3 years. Again I'm not thinking about it too hard.
It was weird this last echo cardiogram we had done was in the same place that I went for Emmalin's echo and was the last time I saw all 3 girls alive. It was the first time Ive been back there and it wasn't terrible I tried not to over think it. OF course I did, but I made it through. I just miss them so much. I am so glad and happy for those who have multiples and every things fine. But I am still jealous. My heart will forever be broken but I hope and pray that one day I can say I'm ok and life is good. I hope it doesn't take forever

Ellina is the sweetest thing!!!

My son was really happy to be able to hold her and calm her down. She fell asleep on him!

So its been awhile since Ive updated, been busy, and not a ton has happened with Ellina, she does pretty good, her oxygen needs go up and down but mainly down. So hopefully soon she will be off of it. We keep getting colds, its just that time of the year and we are very blessed that even though Ellina gets colds she still is breathing and eating well. And gaining weight so well we don't have to go in for weekly weight checks now every 2 weeks=) and she weighed 9lbs 8 oz last week. Her eyes are developing very well, I was looking at the pictures of development on her eyes today and they have slowly but surely come a long way. Almost but not quite developed.
We are mostly doing ok, Ive really been fighting, (and yes I really fight) depression. Ive had some days that I cant seem to get myself up to get anything done. Then most other days I do ok, it just keeps hitting me. I just miss my babies so much. I feel like I made plans and my life was shattered with those plans, all I have to do is look at ultrasound pictures and I start to get teary eyed. I don't know When I find myself having a hard time with having 3 kids I think for a second that maybe having 5 right now would have been harder, but then I realize my heart wouldn't be broken and I realize I could have done it and I feel robbed of the multiple experience and the challenge. I avoid talking about it cause I mainly feel like everything I have to say is just me feeling sorry for myself I honestly don't want to be that way, it isn't me. I just wish I could get rid of the pain but at the same I don't want to ignore the fact that I have 2 other children, little girls that I would love so much to watch grow up, and to take care of. Its hard to think of them in heaven because we always think of people in heaven talking but my girls are just babies, no talking are they more mature because they arent on earth?
Well thats my random rant for the day Im hoping to figure out something to better this depression problem and hopefully have some better reading for everyone

triplets

Click here to view this photo book larger

Hi, so Ellina is doing much better, shes been off Tylenol and acting normally, I even have her off oxygen allot, I think she is going to be off if it as soon as she is all recovered. Also Ellina had one of her many doc apts today and; she weight 8lbs 10oz, and 20 inches long, she is up in the 25th percentile when the nicu doctor predicted the 10th for the first part or whole life! also we decided to take her off the fortified breast milk on Tue when I saw her and she still gained weight so we are going to stop that and just monitor weight still. fun fun. The only thing left to worry about at the moment is Ellinas toe. You may remember when she was born that her left leg turned while from the line put in her umbilical cord right after birth, they ended up having to pull it because it would allow circulation to that leg. Well in the surgery they put a line in an artery above that leg and the same thing happened, when she came out of recovery it was much better the it started out but at the end of the day she was left with a very purple toe. Although it look a little better it is still very purple. We finally talked to some specialists and they are quite confident that eventually the blood will flow around and get to the end of the toe it just might take awhile, of course the poor baby it hurts her, I'm kinda assuming its like frostbite because we know that hurts right. Ive been doing pretty good lately, not so many bad days so that's good, I think Cody's been having a harder time, I think he blames himself sometimes because he was gone, its hard for me because we both deal with so many "what ifs?" And one being if he had been there I may have been able to take it easier then I did. also I know Cody feel like he doesn't have the same right to miss the girls as I do. its not that he doesn't care but just struggles with that he wasn't here. I try and remind him that I talked to him every day on the phone and they heard him plus when I went to see him he had a nice conversation with all three babies. Also I discovered that Cody doesn't like talking about his feelings, for me if someone asked me if I'm upset about something its like a realise to say yes that is it. but for him he is like of course it upsets me why'd you bring it up? Anyway Cody could use prayers, and so could I=) Thanks for taking the time to read my rambling

Ellinas surgery

So Ellina had her surgery yesterday, It was so hard for me to hand her over, They went on through both her thighs that went up to her heart. it took 1 1/2 hours for the surgery it self. He said the valve was so tight he was surprised that any blood was going through at all. and using a balloon they were able to stretch it out and consider it a success. So that is great. We spent last night in the hospital to watch and make sure she did OK in hopes of leaving today. Well she was up all night long, in pain, It was so hard to watch my little baby in pain and she really wasn't eating normally, they said that its not normal at all with this surgery, we decided that be cause she was intebated during surgery that maybe the back of her throat was scratched and that's why she isn't eating well. today she continued not to eat well so we are staying another night. so pray that she start eating and acting like herself again. This has been very hard for me. The last time I was over in this area was for my laser surgery. It really has made me miss my babies. Then having to worry about something happening to Ellina killed me. It doesn't help when I know the pain of loss already I just go through the what will I do if something happens?

Surgery

I don't have alot of info about the specifics but Mishael said surgery went good, Ellina is doing well and is in the room with her. Yay!!

Ellinas surgery is finally scheduled, for Fri the 22nd of this month. I'm kinda out of it all the sudden, I'm gonna have to work on this trust thing again. I need Ellina to be okay, I need this surgery to do its job and for her to be okay.
Ive been having some more bad days lately, I keep thinking I'm so tired of being sad, I just wish this pain would leave. I'm working on having a grave stone designed and Decided to bury the girls at the Libby cemetery. So we will be having a ceremony very soon. Oh man its been months and I can actually say that I have allot going on and its not at all untrue.
Ellina has been doing great she seems less sick and gets up to eat but not a ton of crying like she was, I love my kids so much all five of them

And if I go while you're still here

And If I Go While You're Still Here
By Emily Dickinson

And if I go, while you’re still here…
Know that I live on,
Vibrating to a different measure
Behind a thin veil you cannot see through.

You will not see me,
So you must have faith.
i wait for the time when
We can soar together again,
Both aware of each other.

Until then, live your life to the fullest
And when you need me,
Just whisper my name in your heart,
… I will be there.

This was at the hospital right befor e we went home. Ellina loves to sleep next to me

this too is in the hospital I promise to put on some more recent one soon

Changing a diaper....

So normal.....
This is when Ellina got moved into Mishael's room at the hospital.

Ellina had her eye apt today, and it was good news her eyes had a little bit of improvement, they aren't developed yet and when I asked when he thought they would be, he said that hers are developing slower then most babies but since they are going in the right direction he is happy. So it was good to get a little good news.
Today was the triplets due date, for some reason I thought it was going to be a harder day, honestly I have roller coaster feelings and today was like ever other day, it just depends on the time. I told someone that Ellina was full term and she said" you could be in labor right now, but you probably wouldn't like that." She didn't know about the triplets and I let it go. But I just keep thinking, what I did when I started having problems, Why would God I've me 3 babies at once just to take 2? So the question now is, would I be better off if I was just having one baby? I would probably still be pregnant right now and not feel this void, Id be all happy with just 3 kids and not know I'm supposed to be raising 5. weird does that make any sense? I'm thankful that God gave me my girls, all of them I really only wish I could raise them all. When Ellina keeps me up at night I just find myself wishing I could have the challenge of no sleep because there are 3 babies instead of just one I would totally take the no sleep, running around going from 2 kids to 5 Id go crazy because going from2-3 is hard they all want my attention and putting 2 on hold is hard but I want the challenge. I don't think I will ever know why but Ill always ask God why?

When we left the hospital they did an echo in Ellinas heart and it looked better so out hope was that she was just having a hard time with being sick. But our heart specialist wanted to see her right away so we went down to Missoula and they did a full echo. The diagnoses is pulmonary stenosis, I would love to explain it but I still don't know much don't want to explain it wrong. Ill be getting more info soon. Any its bad enough that they feel we need to do a surgery, its pretty straightforward, done in Seattle. And is risky like any other surgery. He does feel that eventually Ellina cant thrive without this surgery so there really isnt a choice.
Tomorrow we go to Kalispell for Ellinas eye exam. yey, hopefully they wont say she need surgery for that too. but we will see. I really wish her eyes would develop already.
So I'm doing okay, I feel like the only way not to stress too much is be in denial and just say its no big deal. Just not thinking too hard yet. But prayers are always good and although the surgery is probably inevitable we can pray that ellina doesn't get sick cause that would make it allot worse

So we decided to go home today, We went home on Thurs then stayed with my sister Gina till today, the idea was to stay in Kalispell closer to the bigger hospital but everyone in my family that had a place for us to stay over there, someone in the house was sick. The last thing that I want is to go back to the hospital and I really cant have Ellina getting sick with something else. although with 2 other kids in the household its probably inevvidable that she will catch something again I just pray that she gets strong enough to handle it. We have an appt with the heart Doctor on Mon in Missoula, yey for 3 1/2 hour drives. We have Ellinas eyes checked next Wed in Kalispell, thankfully a little less of a drive. Anyway we are going to be checking out the cemetery in Libby and hopefully figure it out so we can have a service for the girls soon. I hope I like the on here. I honestly didnt think I would be picky, turns out not every place is the same like I always thought

So Ellina had another eye exam this morning, no real improvement but not any worse so that's a good thing. I guess she is right where they don't feel she needs surgery but she does need watched carefully one more step and she will need it. Ssoo they are letting me go home...again. yey! I'm so exited about getting to take care of all my kids again. And here's praying that she doesn't get sick again.

So Ellina had her heart exam yesterday and eye exam. her heart is better, still not back to what is was but its our hope that it was just bad from her low blood count and sickness. Her eyes aren't better enough to make a difference so the doc wants to check again on Thurs and decide from there whether to do a laser surgery or not. So We are stuck here at the hospital till then.
We looked around at headstones and cemeteries also yesterday, I had no idea it would be so hard to find a place I liked. So far I don't like either baby land so now we are going to check into paying for a plot. When I told Cody I didn't think I would be that picky he said he knew I would be. Thankfully he set aside enough money to do what ever we need to. My problem with buying a plot is that then it seems that we should buy a family plot and I just don't feel ready for that losing my children is enough reality for awhile. Ive been doing allot more crying lately. I think it doesn't help that Ive had some nurses totally say the wrong things. First a nurse that is a twin mom said the "At least you have one" line, after a horrified look I said, "YES I am VERY thankful for Ellina" Of course I'm glad I have her but that is totally wrong for someone to say and I never expected that a mom of multiples would say it. This morning my nurse said all friendly like" Wow triplets, that really would have pushed you over the edge" I think she realized that it wasn't the right thing to say but too late. I just said what I always say. " we were very exited about it"

So I have alot to update again, I have alot of thoughts but starting with Ellina, She went home was there for a week and then started acting sick, they were small signs but my other daughter Eliza had a cold so I was really watching for signs at the same time as trying to keep them apart. Finally I decided to take her in to the emergancy room cause she was starting to labor when breathing. After sitting in an exam room for hours at 3 in the morning they admitted her into the hospital and then transported us to Kalispell the next morning. Normally they would put a baby back in the NICU thats been to the outside world but the ped. referred her, Im guessing he didnt feel comfortable with a 38 weeker. at first the doc was sure Ellina had pneumonia but now looking at all her other exrays she isnt positive either way its viral and so her oxygen needs were higher and since she was already low on red blood cells it made it harder for her to fight. The last few days Ellina has been on anibiotics and finally yesterday had a blood transfusion. They took out her IV and all she want to day today is be held and cuddled. My feelings....? Its been very hard to be able to hve my baby home and then not only have her in intensive care but by a new nicu that sadly Ive had a really hard time with. I loved the open communication I had with my nurses in missoula and I felt very out of the loop here. When we got here they took an hour and a half to put an IV in. And she was hungry and they wanted to get in in first. Im trying to expept that its ok but its just emotional Im really not bashing anyone as far as an IV being hard to get in. They tell me I cant have her in the rm with me cause she needs to be watched carefully but my nurse one night sat in the other room on the computer and didnt even her her crying. (ok that was a bash) Finally I am doing better I let the doc know that my emotions are clouding my judgment so I need her to make the descions on how to treat Ellina etc. thats kinda hard cause I really dont agree with everything she does but I really want whats best for Ellina. Anyway wwe will probably be here at least over the weekend. Because Elina got sick it set her back enough that she may need an eye surgery and her heart also is having trouble there has always been a possibility that she would need surgery on her heart and now we are waiting till mon to see if its any better. Other then all of this with Ellina we are doing ok. We still are planning on doing a momorial service for Emmalin and Ellianna, I feel bad that we keep putting it off but at the same time we just havent had the time and although we really want to have one its something thats hard to do. I was singing to Ellina yesterday and thought that my Grandma Mary is probably holding my girls and singing to them too, she loved to do that with all babies. My newest thought is that if my twin that my mom lost early on in her pregnnacy with me was from ttts then she would be identical to me ...Shes probably making sure my grandma has help with them too.

Hi, So allot has happened but so much that Ive been too busy to update. over the last few weeks we tried exclusively breastfeeding Ellina and she seemed to be doing well. Still gained every night only we began to notice she was gaining less and less, everything else was good and I was really just ready to bring her home. there was no doubt that she needed to go home on oxygen so they put her on the amount she would be on at home and took off her o2 sat monitor and had me just watch her color, I liked it cause it gave me the confidence that I could handle having her home. Anyway they decided to have me put her on some breast milk fortifier twice a day so still having to pump=/ but hey They let me bring her home! Its so nice to be home and actually be able to function semi normally. Now my constant worry is that she is going to get sick. My older daughter Eliza has a cold so I just try and keep Ellina away from all the kids. Its hard because I miss all my friends and most of them have kids, I hate leaving Ellina and I'm not supposed to bring her anywhere, even church. and here I was looking forward to being able to go back to my own church. Anyway its still so great having her home, I love to cuddle and nurse her anytime I want to. She is such a sweetie and I could stare at her for hours, I'm so thankful to have her and I just remind myself on the fact that her sisters look just like her up in heaven. My brother and I were discussing if they were grown up or still little babies. When I get to heaven will I be able to see them grow up again? I wish I could watch them get bigger. Im thankful that I can look at my little Ellina and know what her sisters look like and that I can shower her with 3 times the love

Ellina

The NG tube is out and Ellina is breastfeeding only....she is rooming in with mom and needs to gain some weight and then she will be heading home.

My little Ellina was put in an open crib today!!! She looks so big all dressed in clothes. They put her up to 4 breastfeeds a day, which is half her feedings. So far so good, we are starting to see the end of this nicu stay. I found my old sleepers from when I was a baby, I was born at 34 weeks, so I brought those to be the forst thing she wore. Im finding myself seeing the end and having to slow back down, Im normally pretty good about not pushing her too far or too much. Shes starting to really look like Eliza did as a newborn. I love how she is looking more and more like a baby and less like an "old man"=) not that she ever did just a little funny looking without any fat, right? Anyway, isnt she just gorgous? I know her sisters are looking just as pretty in heaven.

Just a quick update on Ellina, She is doing very well. She started nursing 1-2 times a day and is doing very well with it, surprised us all.. She latched well and after the first few times she stayed latched. She has also always gotten plenty enough from nursing that we haven't had to feed her any more after she nurses. So that is just amazing and it makes me extremely proud of her. I also had the doctor come and tell me that that Ellina needs her shots, that's something that scares me to death that I'm gonna make the wrong choice. She is still so little and has no immunities so I don't see that she could fight off anything right now including a fever from a shot. But she also is able to get the deceases way easier too. I don't want to be stuck on an idea either way (shots or no shots) I just want to do whats right by my baby. Another thing we need prayer for is Ellinas eyes, her last 2 eye exams have showed some problems with the growth due from prematurity and oxygen therapy. She is in stage 1 in the left eye and stage 2 in her right. 2 weeks ago is h=when the problem showed up and yesterday they checked and its the same. They say the laser surgery isn't that big a deal but its still all so scary. Now to note my feelings at this point. I always have my good and bad days, it seems that Ive been having more bad lately. I wish I could just have a good cry but I'm not able to, I think I'm still out of tears. There are 3 sets of twins in the nicu right now and that's really not helping me with the bad days, I came to the conclusion that, who and I to judge who deserves what? And none of us deserve our kids just some of us are privileged while others have to experience something else. I never wanted to know what loosing my children felt like but now I hope that I can help someone else by that understanding. Ok so Im very thankful for the children I do have, I think that the blessing is I still have someone to love and to feel for otherwise I think this pain would have taken my feeling all away. Im good though and I know Im gonna make it through

bath time

Weight Gain

Ellina is 3 lbs 4 oz now!!!

Wow I just realin too long since I've said Ellinas weight, she is at 2 lbs 15oz. So one more ounce and she will be 3 lbs! shes been gaining very well. On Wed she will be at 33 weeks. Im exited cause at 34 weeks she can attempt to breastfeed, yey! Im trying not to get my hopes up but maybe she will do great, keep gaining weight and get to go home sooner. But I keep thinking that we will have to have some type of step back at some point. One of the babies in the NICU didnt make it, they said she never had strong lungs. Her mom was the only one I have gotten to know somewhat I wrote her a card and the hospital said they ould pass it on to her, its kinda made me revert to the mad stage again in the greiving process. Nothing is fair right, me and her we wanted our babies so bad and we fought hard. It makes me feel very helpless, it doesnt matter what we do how hard we pray what God wants to happen, happens I guess I need to learn to trust that God will help me through the hard times and yes that Hes taking perfect care of my little girls in heaven. I was listening to the Stephen Curtis Chapman song Heaven is the face.....So I thought I would try and put it on here cause it does state alot of my feelings. Anyway I sometimes feel bad for bringing people down, and keep being so centered on myself. So just so I dont bring everyone down, our pain isnt our only focus here. Many nurses and the Doctors agree that the reason the Ellina is such a great fighter is because of what she has gone through She is a very stroong baby. Ok so I have to get going to the NICU now.

Today when I went to see Ellina I first of all gave her her first bath!It was great it made her hair all fluffy and it gave me a chance to carry her and really look at her, great bonding time. And the doctor had heard that I had some questions so she came over and went over the results of the echo that Ellina had yesterday. Ellinas heart looked great, they said the left side is what was thickened and therefore smaller making the other side inefficient..but yesterday the left side looked almost normal and the other side was working perfectly!! Very exiting. That was our biggest worry and with that being good we have very little to worry about right now. There is still so much unknown but right now we are all good. Oh yeah and in regards to her weight we decided to try this thing where I am just giving her hind milk, I pump, stop in the middle and dump that in Elizas bottle and give only the stuff I get after that to Ellina, so far she has gain 2 oz in 2 nights we are hoping that thats why.

I asked the Doctor today if Ellina is too small, He laughed and said, What shes not small. Ok anyway he said he isnt worried at all about her weight and that she is doing great, she might be a little small but thats expected of multibles. yes her heart is using more calories, but shes fine and he isnt worried, Im not sure if Im will ask why the nurse told me otherwise but if I get her again Im not going to be too happy at this point since I havent gotten any other nurses that have told me something was wrong that the doc hadnt already told me.

frustration

I'm so frustrated, Every time I go in I ask the nurse how ellinas doing and they say she is doing great, very well for her age. A few days ago I asked if I still could only hold her once a day or if we could make that 2. My nurse said she was looking like she would do fine with 2 times so lets just try it and see what happens. They took her pic line out yesterday and I was told that Ellina could get a bath 24 hours later, she kinda smells =). Any way this morning the they moved Ellinas bed down one so now her regular nurses are now switched to a different group. Her nurse this morning made a comment about why is she being held twice and when I asked about giving her a bath she looked like I was asking to endanger my child. I said its fine whatever. Then tonight I had a nurse Ive never had. Ellina has certain times that they call hands on time every 6 hours, every 3 hours she gets messed with a little but they really try not to more then every 6. So if I cant make it during those times I try to make sure and call. Well tonight Mom and I went to home depot and of course it took forever so I didn't get to the nicu till past 9. The nurse came over and started asking me questions like "What do you know about whats going on with her?" And "whats the plan do you know bout her feedings how many times do you hold her?" etc. I really felt like I was being attacked, and pit on the spot. I really don't want to put my baby under too much stress, She went on to explain lots of things I wasn't aware of so although I didn't feel that she approached me right at the same time she was saying that it seemed like I wasnt as well informed as I thought I was. Ellinas heart not only has a thickened wall it also has a problem where its not as efficient as it should be and doesn't open and close all the way. She went into great detail and at one point I thought I was gonna really freak out it just sounds so bad, she explained that most of the problems people can live with their entire life and not know it plus we don't know if it ll be better by the time she is full term. Also she lectured me that Ellina is already working so hard that holding her is too stressful, that I should hold once a day and only for an hour saying its just too stressful, yeah its important that she see and hear her mom so its important that I make sure to come in on her hands on time. I feel terrible that I cant be together enough to go over right on time and that I have so much other stuff going on, I miss my kids and my husband because I'm gone all the time but they consume enough of my time that I cant be on time for everything. I don't know with the holding thing cause obviously every nurse has a different opinion but this nurse made me feel like I should just leave and come back when shes all grown up. Also she said that Ellina is way too small for her age, she showed me the charts and its showing her in her 10th percentile if that. Kept saying that Ellina should be closer to 3 lbs. I'm scared I'm frustrated but at the same time I don't fall for it all. I'm hoping that I get one of my favorite nurses and I can see what her take is on it. I will visit with the doctor about it soon too. I know that everyones praying so I don't need to ask

Ellina is up to 1lb 8oz! she looks so big to me, isn't that funny? Ill get some pictures again soon but its hard to see size very well from pictures. So Ellinas heart is still looking the same, they started her om some medication to help her to function a little better, her heart rate was running about 150-160 the medicine slows it down to around 130 so that it gives her heart more time to fill with blood. I am worried simply because every time Ive been told worse case scenario that's whats happened. I am really working on trusting God. I am doing alright most of the time, I saw twins in the nicu sharing a bed, it makes me sad and jealous but I of course would never want this to happen to anyone else. I just miss my baby girls alot. We went home for the weekend last weekend. It was good to see friends but really hard cause I had imagined the first time my husband and I would go home the whole time he was gone and I was expecting to be pregnant, instead I am not pregnant and the one baby I still have I had to leave in the hospital, she is mine but I cant have her yet. Anyway, its not all bad the Ronald McDonald house is a great thing to have here, we have a full kitchen to use and cooking and baking is great therapy for me, and I'm getting close to having enough things stocked to make food. I spend allot of time at the hospital and pumping so that doesn't leave me much time for the kitchen but I make it ok. Life goes on........

Pictures

Oh and Ellina is back to her birth weight! yey!

ellina

yesterday the doctor asked if she could meet with both Cody and I; She started out just talking about how well Ellina is doing, for her age to be on a nasal cannula is amazing, no worries when it comes to breathing. But... yes we were just waiting for it. Ellinas heart, remember how Emmalin, baby A had a thickened outer edge on her heart? it made sense with the TTTS that it had been over worked, when Ellina had it that is what they thought also that it put stress on her when her sisters were lost. But now they are wondering, because they would have thought it would be gone by now or at least improved, it hasn't. Although the doctor is still saying it could be fine its something they want to watch very carefully. Because it could be something else like a congenital condition. No it isn't even close to for sure but if that is what it is it is bad. she said she would need a heart transplant and is not eligible for that for months. I am of course hoping and praying that is is just from the stress she was under being something that just needs time to resolve but as I keep saying now...let the worries begin.. again. I know Ellina is a fighter and that is where I get my hope that she will fight this too even if it is big

8 am- time to touch

A Preemie can only be touched a few times a day. They need their life to be as much like the womb as possible. So they are kept in a covered isolate. The nurses try to keep their touching to 3 times a day. So this morning at 8 am is the 1st time of the day they will change diapers, and do their routine. I got up and rushed over so I could be involved.
She was awake and looking at me. I could hold her tiny, tiny little hand. At one point the nurse needed to change the bedding, so I picked her up so she could change it. She didn't feel like anything. She only weighs 1 lb 4 oz today. I think most books weigh more then that!
Mishael was able to hold her yesterday for the 1st time. She put her down her shirt and held her for 3 hours, kangaroo style. Mishael said her body heated up and the baby stayed nice and warm. So hopefully that will be a daily thing she can do.

Birth from Grandma Joyce's view

You can see how tiny her hand is in this one.
She weighed 1 lb 6 oz at birth and has dropped to 1 lb 4 oz, but is coming back up now.







Mishael had been feeling early labor for a few days. It's hard to know when labor like that will turn into the real thing. The Doctor had said if she started labor they would not stop it.
On Thursday she was having some good contractions, but we asked the nurse to check the monitor to see if there was any regularity to them ( they are computerized here and can look back at all FHT's and ctx. any time) She said she had 17 ctx in the last 14 hours. Well, that's not as much as we thought, so we will wait and see.
I went back over to the Ronald Mc Donald house and ate some dinner, and Mishael called and said, I had another ctx. It was hard. Ok, I said, call me as soon as you have another one. I took a walk and she called again about 30 min later.
So I was getting ready to go back over when she called again and said are you coming? I rushed over to find her in the delivery room. The Dr had checked her and she was dialated only 2-3, but the bad of waters was funneling out of the cervix. This made her fluid level even lower then the already low figures of 4-5. But the Lord was keeping our little girl, as all throughout labor she never had any decels. They put Shell in a position with her head down, hoping for the fluid to go back in and with the remote hope that if the fluid did go back in the cervix that labor might possibly stop. With this hope still in mind of her labor stopping, it made coaching a little difficult. Besides for Mishael who is used to laboring being in any position she wants, in and out of water, very natural, etc. to laying in bed, tilted backwards, with IV, O2 monitor, baby and ctx. monitor, catheter, etc. it was different to say the least. We weren't sure to work with labor to get this done or try to stop it. It's a weird mind trip. Martha, Maria and Moriah were on their way, but still not there. Cody was not back yet, and knowing Mishael would only be holding one baby out of 3 made this was the hardest emotional birth. Mishael and I did a lot of crying during the labor. The nurse left us alone until I called her when Shell was feeling pushy after only 3 hours after her last call to me.
When the nurse picked up the sheet to check her we saw this horrible black fluid. It was not thick, but it was black and very weird. At the same time we had lost FHT's.
Mishael's pulse was 120 which made it very difficult to tell if we were getting mom's or baby's heart. Baby was 120 or was that mom? No one could tell. So they had a nurse come in with a doppler, she thought she got baby, but mom was 120 and baby 121??? We were doubtful. So she brought in an Ultrasound machine (waiting for Dr still, breathing through ctx, grandma thinking, lets stop looking for heart tones and push this baby out) They found the baby's heart on the Ultra sound machine and the nurse didn't want to say it out loud, so she pointed to the heart, It was not beating at all. She would look around again and come back to the same place. Point again at the heart. It was not beating at all! Mishael and I prayed, Oh Lord please don't let her loose this one too. Please Lord........
The nurse said to everyone (probably about 8 nurses in the room) "are you all agreed, we should just get this baby delivered?" Every one said yes, and I also said a loud yes.
So next ctx, Mishael pushed, when the ctx was over, we said keep pushing and she did. Our little Ellina was born and quickly handed to the NICU nurse (neither Dr was there still, the baby's Dr. heard that she was having a C section and ended up in the wrong spot in the hospital) The nurses were excellent. I was so impressed with their team work, know how and confidence. Everyone in the room thought we were delivering a baby that would need to be resuscitated or wouldn't make it, but before she was on the warmer table we heard a little noise, and the nurse said "she's respirating". Oh the relief and the tears. God breathed breath into our little sweet heart. Thank you Lord!
They immediately started working on Ellina and took her to the NICU. Mishael had to go back to the focus of delivering Ellianna and Emmalin. The Dr was there now and when Mishael said that she felt like pushing the Dr said "I trust your instincts". I wonder if he realized they should have listened to her earlier, LOL. The girls were delivered quickly. Both were born in their bag and it had to be broken. Their fluid was also black. 2 beautiful little girls. Since Ellina was in the NICU, Mishael and I enjoyed touching, holding our little angels.
Such a mixed, emotional, bitter sweet time.
Looking at the placenta and the very tiny fragile cords, it's a wonder that Ellina made it. She's a little fighter. The first time I went in to see her, she was waving her arms pushing off the Saran wrap ( they use saran wrap to keep the baby's warm). She would cry when someone would bug her. The Dr told me later that it usually is 2-3 weeks before they start crying like this.

I know most everyone has seen the update that I had the babies last night, Baby Ellina Joy is our little surviver and is doing great so far, she is 1lb 6 oz and 13 1/2 inches she is breathing on her own! I actually went into labor and was allowed to have them naturally, something I am very thankful for. right before I started pushing we lost Ellina's heartbeat, the doctors werent there yet but the nurses agreed that I just needed to get pushing. I had her and she didnt look alive... it was scary I kept saying "I cant loose her too." But almost right away she took a breath all on her own! she even cried a little.

Cody will be home for good flying in tonite. Its going to be alot of descisions and its bittersweet, I will forever miss my 2 little girls Emmalin Mercy and Ellianna Hope. But I will thank God that He has given me Ellina. When Cody gets here tonite we will try to get some memories with both our angels Im not sure what we can hadle with holding them but I know we need to try. Thankyou everyone for your parayers and please keep praying for Ellina, that she will keep thriving and doing better everyday, a

Welcome to the world Ellina

Ellina Joy Jelley was born last night at 1:30 am. She was delivered naturally, for which Mishael is very thankful for. She didn't want a C-section. Ellina is 1 lb 6 oz and is in the NICU. She is breathing with only the help of a CPAP although she may have to be intubated later. She is the smallest thing I've ever seen in the my life. The Dr says she is doing really well. We will try to get some pictures up soon. Cody had to go back to finish his training and is supposed to fly back into Kalispell tonight. Mishael was able to hold Ellianna also and she's even tinier. Her head is about the size of a hard boiled egg, she's about the size of a barbie doll. She was not able to hold Emmalin but the nurse attempted to get footprints and handprints so at least she'll have those.
Mishael is doing really well. We are staying at the Ronald McDonald house. The nurses and doctors are amazing. Looks like we'll all be in Missoula for a long time...
Thanks to everyone for all the encouraging thoughts, comments and prayers.

UPDate Ellina is doing really well. She even sucked some breast milk off a q-tip and they will give her some in her feeding tube every 12 hours. She is getting another chest xray and a scan of her brain to check for bleeds but everyone is very encouraged with how well she is doing. She tries to cry but its sounds like a little mouse squeak. She grips Mishael's hand with her tiny little fingers.




Her diaper is too big for her and its the same size as a cell phone!


Footprints of all the babies.

We have names!

So we have names for the babies!
Emmalin Mercy is baby A; Ellianna Hope is baby C, and Ellina Joy is baby B.

Ellina is doing really good today. Her bio-physical profile came back technically at 6 out of 8, but the 2 points off was because of the low fluid. (5.2) Then the Dr actually found another pocket of fluid, so she actually had 8/8. It was nice to hear the Dr say "another good day". Today is 25 wks 1 day. They say each day is one week out of the NICU.
We are getting less decels with contractions now, but she did have one big long one last night.
The Dr says if we are getting those on a consistent basis we will deliver, but right now Ellina is better off inside then out.
Mishael does have contractions. Some are pretty good in strength. If labor begins, they will not stop it. If she goes into labor naturally, she actually could have a normal delivery, if Ellina's heart can handle contractions. We are pretty excited over the small chance.
We took a tour through the NICU today and saw the tinest babies. One was born at 13 oz! It's amazing. I was encouraged at how well those tiny, tiny babies do. Ellina already has an estimated weight of 1 lb 6 oz. So she will be plenty big. :)
Mishael is doing ok. Stressed, watching monitors, sad......I'm sure you can imagine. Over all she is amazing.
Cody should be flying back in tomorrow.

Waiting.....

I just got back from spending a couple days with Mishael. She is waiting and praying that little tiny baby B can continue to hold her own every day. Today she is 25 weeks old and although her fluid levels are low, continues to kick and move very well and passed her bio-physical today.
She scared us on Monday and it almost like we were going to meet her in person, but she decided she needed to try to wait for her daddy....we are hoping.
Mishael is having some mild contractions as well that causing some discomfort as well as having to lay in bed except for very brief moments, is hard, as you are just waiting and watching it seems, expecting something to happen each minute.

Dresses for the babies made by Sarah Johnson

Sarah is my ex-husband's sister but we have been adopted to eachother and are actually family now! Sarah sewed all these beautiful dresses for the babies.

Update from afar

Eliza
I just took these pictures last week.

I'm over in Great Falls having a horrible time not being with Mishael. It goes against a mothers heart. Thankfully we have a big family and there are plenty of supportive people to take turns.
The news I heard this morning, is Baby B is doing a little better or at least not getting any worse. We have now hit the 48 hour mark which was very important. The Dr is saying it's very possible for our little sweet baby B to hang in there a few days or even weeks. Every day inside makes a huge difference of how well she will do when she is born. 24 weeks is very early, but every day the chances of her making it go up. They said she is doing so good that they might be able to let Mishael get off the monitors for a couple hours at a time. This would be good for Mishael to be able to get up and around a little.
Lots of hard decisions have to be made, so praying for wisdom and peace through all this.
They were able to get the family a room at Ronald McDonald house, which I hear is very nice.
Every one is taking turns being down there with them and watching children. Cody can stay at the hospital with Mishael. So glad Cody can be with her again.

Cody is here!

Mishael is smiling again!

the next day

Last night was rough. mishael's O2 levels continued to drop throughout the night. Baby was doing a little better but I was just really concerned about Mishael and knew something was really wrong. The dr just kept saying he wanted to wait. They kept doing tests but when her 02 would't stay up on 100% 02 mask she called Dr Utter. He came in at 4am and they did a CT scan to check for blood clots and shut off the Mg gtt. All her tests looked negative and by morning her 02 was better and she is mostly off the 02. They did another Ultrasound this am and no changes with baby B. She is still not doing good but at this point its better to keep her inside as long as Mishael is stable. Cody is arriving today at 1pm. Mishael is holding up well, she said shes waiting until Cody is here to fall apart. I went to the store and bought some blankets for the girls i wanted them to have something when they are born. Sarah is going to sew them some outfits to wear when they are born.