Thursday, September 30, 2010

Changing a diaper....

So normal.....
This is when Ellina got moved into Mishael's room at the hospital.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Ellina had her eye apt today, and it was good news her eyes had a little bit of improvement, they aren't developed yet and when I asked when he thought they would be, he said that hers are developing slower then most babies but since they are going in the right direction he is happy. So it was good to get a little good news.
Today was the triplets due date, for some reason I thought it was going to be a harder day, honestly I have roller coaster feelings and today was like ever other day, it just depends on the time. I told someone that Ellina was full term and she said" you could be in labor right now, but you probably wouldn't like that." She didn't know about the triplets and I let it go. But I just keep thinking, what I did when I started having problems, Why would God I've me 3 babies at once just to take 2? So the question now is, would I be better off if I was just having one baby? I would probably still be pregnant right now and not feel this void, Id be all happy with just 3 kids and not know I'm supposed to be raising 5. weird does that make any sense? I'm thankful that God gave me my girls, all of them I really only wish I could raise them all. When Ellina keeps me up at night I just find myself wishing I could have the challenge of no sleep because there are 3 babies instead of just one I would totally take the no sleep, running around going from 2 kids to 5 Id go crazy because going from2-3 is hard they all want my attention and putting 2 on hold is hard but I want the challenge. I don't think I will ever know why but Ill always ask God why?

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

When we left the hospital they did an echo in Ellinas heart and it looked better so out hope was that she was just having a hard time with being sick. But our heart specialist wanted to see her right away so we went down to Missoula and they did a full echo. The diagnoses is pulmonary stenosis, I would love to explain it but I still don't know much don't want to explain it wrong. Ill be getting more info soon. Any its bad enough that they feel we need to do a surgery, its pretty straightforward, done in Seattle. And is risky like any other surgery. He does feel that eventually Ellina cant thrive without this surgery so there really isnt a choice.
Tomorrow we go to Kalispell for Ellinas eye exam. yey, hopefully they wont say she need surgery for that too. but we will see. I really wish her eyes would develop already.
So I'm doing okay, I feel like the only way not to stress too much is be in denial and just say its no big deal. Just not thinking too hard yet. But prayers are always good and although the surgery is probably inevitable we can pray that ellina doesn't get sick cause that would make it allot worse

Saturday, September 25, 2010

So we decided to go home today, We went home on Thurs then stayed with my sister Gina till today, the idea was to stay in Kalispell closer to the bigger hospital but everyone in my family that had a place for us to stay over there, someone in the house was sick. The last thing that I want is to go back to the hospital and I really cant have Ellina getting sick with something else. although with 2 other kids in the household its probably inevvidable that she will catch something again I just pray that she gets strong enough to handle it. We have an appt with the heart Doctor on Mon in Missoula, yey for 3 1/2 hour drives. We have Ellinas eyes checked next Wed in Kalispell, thankfully a little less of a drive. Anyway we are going to be checking out the cemetery in Libby and hopefully figure it out so we can have a service for the girls soon. I hope I like the on here. I honestly didnt think I would be picky, turns out not every place is the same like I always thought

Thursday, September 23, 2010

So Ellina had another eye exam this morning, no real improvement but not any worse so that's a good thing. I guess she is right where they don't feel she needs surgery but she does need watched carefully one more step and she will need it. Ssoo they are letting me go home...again. yey! I'm so exited about getting to take care of all my kids again. And here's praying that she doesn't get sick again.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

So Ellina had her heart exam yesterday and eye exam. her heart is better, still not back to what is was but its our hope that it was just bad from her low blood count and sickness. Her eyes aren't better enough to make a difference so the doc wants to check again on Thurs and decide from there whether to do a laser surgery or not. So We are stuck here at the hospital till then.
We looked around at headstones and cemeteries also yesterday, I had no idea it would be so hard to find a place I liked. So far I don't like either baby land so now we are going to check into paying for a plot. When I told Cody I didn't think I would be that picky he said he knew I would be. Thankfully he set aside enough money to do what ever we need to. My problem with buying a plot is that then it seems that we should buy a family plot and I just don't feel ready for that losing my children is enough reality for awhile. Ive been doing allot more crying lately. I think it doesn't help that Ive had some nurses totally say the wrong things. First a nurse that is a twin mom said the "At least you have one" line, after a horrified look I said, "YES I am VERY thankful for Ellina" Of course I'm glad I have her but that is totally wrong for someone to say and I never expected that a mom of multiples would say it. This morning my nurse said all friendly like" Wow triplets, that really would have pushed you over the edge" I think she realized that it wasn't the right thing to say but too late. I just said what I always say. " we were very exited about it"

Saturday, September 18, 2010

So I have alot to update again, I have alot of thoughts but starting with Ellina, She went home was there for a week and then started acting sick, they were small signs but my other daughter Eliza had a cold so I was really watching for signs at the same time as trying to keep them apart. Finally I decided to take her in to the emergancy room cause she was starting to labor when breathing. After sitting in an exam room for hours at 3 in the morning they admitted her into the hospital and then transported us to Kalispell the next morning. Normally they would put a baby back in the NICU thats been to the outside world but the ped. referred her, Im guessing he didnt feel comfortable with a 38 weeker. at first the doc was sure Ellina had pneumonia but now looking at all her other exrays she isnt positive either way its viral and so her oxygen needs were higher and since she was already low on red blood cells it made it harder for her to fight. The last few days Ellina has been on anibiotics and finally yesterday had a blood transfusion. They took out her IV and all she want to day today is be held and cuddled. My feelings....? Its been very hard to be able to hve my baby home and then not only have her in intensive care but by a new nicu that sadly Ive had a really hard time with. I loved the open communication I had with my nurses in missoula and I felt very out of the loop here. When we got here they took an hour and a half to put an IV in. And she was hungry and they wanted to get in in first. Im trying to expept that its ok but its just emotional Im really not bashing anyone as far as an IV being hard to get in. They tell me I cant have her in the rm with me cause she needs to be watched carefully but my nurse one night sat in the other room on the computer and didnt even her her crying. (ok that was a bash) Finally I am doing better I let the doc know that my emotions are clouding my judgment so I need her to make the descions on how to treat Ellina etc. thats kinda hard cause I really dont agree with everything she does but I really want whats best for Ellina. Anyway wwe will probably be here at least over the weekend. Because Elina got sick it set her back enough that she may need an eye surgery and her heart also is having trouble there has always been a possibility that she would need surgery on her heart and now we are waiting till mon to see if its any better. Other then all of this with Ellina we are doing ok. We still are planning on doing a momorial service for Emmalin and Ellianna, I feel bad that we keep putting it off but at the same time we just havent had the time and although we really want to have one its something thats hard to do. I was singing to Ellina yesterday and thought that my Grandma Mary is probably holding my girls and singing to them too, she loved to do that with all babies. My newest thought is that if my twin that my mom lost early on in her pregnnacy with me was from ttts then she would be identical to me ...Shes probably making sure my grandma has help with them too.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Hi, So allot has happened but so much that Ive been too busy to update. over the last few weeks we tried exclusively breastfeeding Ellina and she seemed to be doing well. Still gained every night only we began to notice she was gaining less and less, everything else was good and I was really just ready to bring her home. there was no doubt that she needed to go home on oxygen so they put her on the amount she would be on at home and took off her o2 sat monitor and had me just watch her color, I liked it cause it gave me the confidence that I could handle having her home. Anyway they decided to have me put her on some breast milk fortifier twice a day so still having to pump=/ but hey They let me bring her home! Its so nice to be home and actually be able to function semi normally. Now my constant worry is that she is going to get sick. My older daughter Eliza has a cold so I just try and keep Ellina away from all the kids. Its hard because I miss all my friends and most of them have kids, I hate leaving Ellina and I'm not supposed to bring her anywhere, even church. and here I was looking forward to being able to go back to my own church. Anyway its still so great having her home, I love to cuddle and nurse her anytime I want to. She is such a sweetie and I could stare at her for hours, I'm so thankful to have her and I just remind myself on the fact that her sisters look just like her up in heaven. My brother and I were discussing if they were grown up or still little babies. When I get to heaven will I be able to see them grow up again? I wish I could watch them get bigger. Im thankful that I can look at my little Ellina and know what her sisters look like and that I can shower her with 3 times the love

Sunday, September 5, 2010


The NG tube is out and Ellina is breastfeeding only....she is rooming in with mom and needs to gain some weight and then she will be heading home.