Well I decided its time to update. My kids keep me so busy =) Ellina has been doing great! she is walking!!!!! she is at the point of walking most times to get places unless she is in a huge hurry, I was so excited when she first started, I really thought she had a few months left to do that. The first time she walked across the room Cody and I both got teary eyed, we were just a awe of our little miracle. She never ceases to amaze us. She jabbers constantly and is finally starting to eat solids more, actually on the road to weaning... I plan on breastfeeding till shes two but am excited not to be exclusively breastfeeding, it started getting exhausting, as she was getting too old and wanted food. She still struggles to open her mouth, seems to take more concentration then for most babies but shes got it down.
On another note, the holidays are always going to be hard for us, knowing that we are missing out on 2 of our precious children. But I did much better this year then last year. I decided that for me 18 months was a good amount of time and I finally feel like I'm healing, I will say I don't believe in moving on, getting over it etc. My girls will always be my girls, but its so nice to think of them fondly without the depression and the anger. If you ever see me know this, talking about my girls doesn't upset me, it makes me happy that someone else is thinking of them. I think of them every day all day long, every time I count my kids, like a role call make sure they are ok, I feel like I'm missing someone.
Gareth, my four year old was counting how many boys and girls we have... he counted 1,2, (Eliza and Ellina) and then 3, 4, pointing up to heaven. I love it. He told me he wanted to see them and see what they looked like, I tried to tell him that they look like Ellina but he said "No, no one is the same, we are all different." He enjoyed the ultrasound pictures I have of them

A quick update on Ellina Joy! she is doing amazing! she has started to talk, saying mostly her name, when we call her she like to yell "Ellina" back, ofcourse we also found out that we cant get her to say it on cue, She will also say Eliza, (her big sisters name) it sounds simular but there is a difference. Gareth is a mix of brother and Gareth, dont know how that works lol. She wants to walk but her leg being still weaker then the other is messing with her balance, although the control of that leg is so much better then it was we are noticing that her hip on that leg doesnt have the same control. so we are deciding not to worry about it till January and then get way more aggressive with physical therapy but until then we are just letting her do her thing and try and work with her mostly at home

a quick note

I have given Ellina extra hugs and kisses and want to send a few up to heaven for Emmalin and Ellianna, I miss you my baby girls and will always love you, I believe one day Ill get to snuggle you again and it will all be ok, if I didnt I dont know where I would be.. thankyou for watching out for Ellina for me, I know you did because she want supposed to do as well as she has and is. Loves Mama

Tomorrow my babies are 1 year old from their due date. Its funny the days it hits me, I look at Ellina and I imagine 2 copies of her next to her, playing or crying and trying to get my attention with her......... And then I wonder, what are they like? are they just like Ellina? or like all my other kids are they completely different? would Ellina be different had they made it? you know how when a middle child becomes the oldest they change? would Ellina been the mellow middle baby instead of a feisty fighter? Love you my babies!!!
Ellina amazes me everyday, I thank God more and more for her surviving and allowing me to be able to take care of her, she has just done so well, 25 weekers don't do that well very often at least from all the people I know now that hve also had 25 weekers. I love my little baby and she makes me awe when I look at how far she has come, when she climbs up the stairs and screams at her sister for taking her toy. She has come so far!!!

ellina eating issues

Hi, its hard to know what to write when life is so boring, Ellina is doing great! we do have concerns about her having feeding issues, which is completely normal preemie thing we will see how it goes. I have talked to quite a few other parents and alot of preemies have to be on formula throughout their 2nd year, problem is that Ellina is exclusively breastfed no formula and so I don't know what to do, in one week Ill have been breastfeeding for 2 years straight, and some of those times 2 babies!! I don't LOVE breastfeeding but I don't mind doing what is the very best for my babies. I'm just getting tired of it, come on 2 years ;-/ I also work now and the constant stress of pumping or Oh no I didn't pump I might loose my milk. Is just getting tiring too. I need a little bit of a break. Anyway, Ellina refuses to eat anything off a spoon, she will eat finger foods but is very picky about what! I gave her applesauce and she played in it, but clamped her mouth shut, I put spaghetti on her same plate and she stuffed it in her mouth! I don't get this kid, I don't know what she can eat and what she shouldn't be eating but I think she wants flavor and stuff she cant really eat at times.
Oh andlastly, I pulled a half eaten bug out of her mouth, she fought me and was very mad that I took that great bug from her

Just wanted to share... Ellina Joy is doing so amazing! she is crawling, standing and cruising along the furniture! I saw my home visitor for the child development center and she said that most likely next time they screen her she most likely wont be eligible for the services. which is great thing meaning that she is almost all caught up! I'm extremely happy about this. One of my other worries is her eating solids. Now I think its just a matter of time till she will be eating them no problem I think the biggest problem we have now is she wants stuff with FLAVOR! she loves tasting everything but still gags really easy on stuff but if its baby food she doesn't like to eat it I think just cause she thinks it tastes bad poor baby Ill have to research of what foods she should be able t eat. she loves re fried beans just don't know how well her stomach will handle that

Ellinas MRI

Well I have alot to tell you, yesterday Ellina had an MRI on her brain and on both her legs, we went straight to the neurologist after the MRI and got the results on her brain, we are still waiting for the results on her legs. As much as I want to tell you right away about her results I am going to start from the beginning.
As I was driving over the 3 hour drive to Spokane I really started to worry, its been awhile since Ellina has had any anesthesia and I just was worried at how she would do, my mom was worrying saying I shouldn't do it, she doesn't need it etc and I stood my ground, we decided to do it a long time ago, lets just get it over with. And then I'm driving and getting more and more worried.
Well I got there and they let me stay with her almost the whole time, poor baby was so hungry and I couldn't feed her and of course all the prep stuff takes forever, we got there at 9:30 and they didn't have her all ready to start the MRI till 11:15! One thing that was so nice is when they started an IV the nurse didn't have a hard time about finding a vein at all, I was so happy cause Ive have incidents where it takes them 1 1/2 hours to find a vein. Goes to show the benefits of a children's hospital. When the anesthesiologist came in her answered any questions I had, one, they didnt have to put in a breathing tube! so realived! and this stuff that they used wasnt obsourbed by the body but was broken down and out of her system before she even woke up. She fell asleep pretty fast then I was asked to wait about 1 hour till they were done. at about 1 1/2 hours I kinda went into my paronoid place and had to ask the nurse to check that she was ok, she gets on the phone and waiting way too long to tell me she was fine, I think I held my breath, and unfortionatly heard some of those terrible lines in my head (you know the ones where something went terribly wrong) I hate how Ive become that way, but I know what it feels like to be told that, I dont think it will ever leave me. Anyway she did go into recovery and I went in and held her, she started out doing what she always does and flopping around not knowing what to do, then almost right away I gave her a pacifier and she fell asleep. I sat there and dozed myself while rockeing her, whne she woke up she was almost completely normal, she ate and was talking anad trying to sit up. Her body was still a little weak but otherwis normal. So nice compared to the nightmares of coming out of anesthsia in the past.
Then we went to the anesthiaolagist. So here are the things to think about, when babies have twin to twin transfusion, the blood that flows from their body at times goes to another baby, So when we lost the girls thier blood was going to Ellina, this time there was no oxygen in their blood, it is a big worry of causing brain damage, then Ellina also had hydrops inutero (we think she looked like she did after birth) that is the fluid under the skin and also in the brain, and then being born at 25 weeks, brain injuries are pretty normal from being born too early. So here Ellina has all this against her. For her? well yesterday I saw a meaning of a name and it showed me something different, Ellina has 2 sisters in heaven watching over her, they had a purpose to ebing here and I believe felt no pain in passing, just told Ellina they would always watch her and went away peacefully.
I found a meaning to Emmalin's name and decided to go with it, (you know how alot of baby name books have different meanings) but in this one said, "Emma" means "one who heals" "Lyn" means "water fall" and middle name is "Mercy". "Ellianna" means "God has answered" and middle name is "Hope", "Ellina" means "Bright or light" and middle name Joy.
So I don't know if you got it already but here is what I think. I think having "one who heals" in utero with Ellina is what she had going for her and YES her brain had almost no damage, no brain bleeds, no injuries, just a little bit enlarged in the middle from being early, but that isn't cause any of the issues that they would worry it could. That hit me later then maybe Emmalin and Ellianna healed and helped Ellina after passing, maybe that oxygenated blood helped her to be able the breathe and kept her brain from bleeding etc.
And to get back to the name meaning Emmalin, One who heals with waterfalls of Mercy, and Ellianna, God has answered to have Hope, and Ellina, Our Light of Joy.
I have made a decision, I found that this last year when someone asked me how I was doing felt guilty if I said I was doing good, I felt like that was me saying I'm not sad even though I lost 2 of my children. I decided this, I am choosing to be ok, I wont ever stop missing my girls, I wont ever stop acknowledging their existence. They are just as alive as my other kids just in heaven alive (maybe more alive?) But I am choosing to be positive, I am choosing to say I am good, its ok to be good and happy and still miss my babies.

So my continuation, I realized I didnt post about my Ellina, who through everything makes me smile, and makes me see how blessed I am on top of everything else. She is a HUGE blessing and I am truly thankful, This past week she started to Crawl! its so amazing, she can roll from her stomach to back but not very well but if she is on her belly she can get ot a sit up position and go back to crawling! it just really amazing how well she is doing, she has an MRI on Wednesday, but really no concerns right now, she wont eat any solids but not quite old enough to make a fuss about it, just something to work on.

ok so, in the past month I have had a really hard time, I was cynical, depressed, and angry, I think it started with my girls birthday and went off the edge with baby Deidrich (baby that was next to my survivor) dying at 16 months. finally in the last few days I felt my spirits coming back up, and slowly coming out of it I feel good now, thankfully right in time to be able to enjoy my little sister's bridal shower! =)
But there were alot of angry questions and thoughts that I would like to talk about without as much of the anger with it. I made alot of discoveries about myself and my thoughts toward God. please feel free to comment any insight you might have for me on this as any is much needed.
I really question God, I want to trust Him and believe that when I pray for something I can can find some peace. When I first found out my girls were sick I was able to pray for my babies and ask for Gods will, I was ok with believing that His plan could be anything and He would help me through anything. When I went for surgery I realized that I couldnt pray, I realized I couldnt ask Gods will about my children's lives, all I could do is ask was let me hold my babies!!!!
Looking back I realize I am more having a hard time trusting God because not because my girls died, I feel like it happens, God didnt DO it, He allowed it because crappy things happen to everyone. But I begged Him to let my husband be there with me when I delivered our girls and Cody came back almost 24 hours later, we are both so messed up because he wasnt there, didnt get to see our angels and most of my family saw Ellina before he did. I dont know why God coudlnt have just made it so Ellina would have been ok inside one more day.
Talking to someone yesterday about God working in things that are hard, it was weird cause I was saying all the things I know people believe to be true. God will work things out, keep praying about it, you have to trust Him that he brought "that person" in your life for a reason, etc. But it was just weird because I know the lines, just dont know if I believe them. I want to so bad!

first year

Well we had a few smaller first year anniversaries but today is a big one. Today last year I was told that two of my babies had gone to heaven. I had to call my husband because he was gone in training and tell him, and then had to tell the doctors firmly "YES!!! you must try and save my survivor!" It still kills me looking back how many times I was told I should think about it because there was such a low chance that she would be ok. And I know she beat alot of odds and I will never belittle that fact. Looking back over the last year I have to say I don't think the grief part has gotten any easier, its kinda like a decease it has flares. Some days are completely normal and others it consumes us. Over the last week I have had some incidents that have really hurt me. I think because I am nearing their one year birthday I am alot more sensitive and I talk about it more, therefore getting hurtful responses. Thankfully its mostly from strangers or barely acquaintances. and just to say this to all of you reading this, I almost feel bad venting on here for fear that all of you are looking back worrying that you said something wrong.. Don't you are fine, I love all of you guys and I don't want you to worry, all of you that are my friends as long as you have never tried to belittle my pain or tell me I'm better off or should just be thankful (which I totally and extremely thankful for my Ellina) you haven't said anything wrong, I love you guys and are so thankful that you have been there for me.


Anyway I have a few updates on Ellina, She is doing great, has been off oxygen for about a month, and is in physical thereapy and speech therapy and is helping her motor skills tremendously. She can roll from her back to stomach although she rarely does without crying in frustration, she can sit on her own, falling over once in a while but still cant get herself to the sitting up position although she is working on it. The speach therapy was just started and we are still pretty early to draw many conclusions, so far we cant get her to put her tongue out which may mean she is tongue tied and her top lip is short which is kinda a form of tied just on her lip instead of tongue, but we will see, the lip thing isn't a surgical fix just stretching it and stuff.


She also has an MRI the end of this month, not really looking forward to it but I'm not too worried the results either, I want her to have one so we know what brain injuries she has not to find out that she has them, I think most 25 weekers and TTTS babies will have some. She for sure had oxygenated blood going into her brain so there has to be some injuries from that. So other then that Ellina has been somewhat uneventful, shes a great baby, as long as she is being held or talked to, her siblings think the is the best, they sometime 'smother her with love =) I have to keep a close eye. ha ha


On the girls first birthday we are going to do and birthday party/ baby shower/ memorial service for the girls, we are glad we are finally able to get something together for them ince this last year we have been running constantly. If anyone would like to attend or send card or gift I will be registered at target and walmart and the event info is on Facebook you can email me too for address info

Sitting on the couch today watching TV, with the kids and husband, its times like that when my baby is content on my lap that it'll hit me. I turned to say something to Cody and ended up bursting into tears instead. To me I know my girls, they are in heaven growing just like Ellina, only I missing out on it all. I know they are happy and in good hands I just wish I could be part of it. The things that keep hitting me now are questions, Eliza is 19 months and is really loving talking to and "helping" with Ellina, I have to wonder if she would have been able to tell the girls apart. Would she have just been confused? And Gareth, he would have understood that there are three of them but would he have been able to know who was who? I don't know, I find myself having days that I obsess about everyone else's babies, I have a few triplet mom friends and I sometimes look at their pictures and cry, and then I almost feel like a bad person trying to get an idea of what I am missing by using someone else. I obsess over pregnant women, even though I don't think pregnancy is a good idea for us right now, it doesn't change how much my mind says being pregnant would help me heal. I don't really think it would but knowing that doesn't seem to help.
I look at Ellina and she is such a great baby, such a miracle. She was born at 25 weeks, behind in growth, and yet she breathed on her own and never got sick and just did amazing. That shouldn't even be possible, my theory was God knew I couldn't take any more. But then I see these families that took more and more and then I just feel, I don't know, afraid to mention how blessed I was that Ellina has done so well? I pray endlessly for my fellow TTTS moms, mainly that God will help them through this because I know its very difficult.
To my girls Emmalin and Ellianna, You family misses you and will always love you.

Hi, So I guess I'm just crazy busy all the time, The lat month was well insane. My daughter Eliza, is 18 months and got RSV, here Ive been so worried about Ellina getting it so I kept her home most of the time, and Eliza gets it, so when I took her to the doctor they wanted to admit her into the hospital, do breathing treatments etc. it was supposed to be overnight assuming she would be on the mend pretty fast. Well he just kept getting worse, as glad as I was that she was in the hospital through all this it was terrible, I couldn't bring Ellina into the hospital room and so I had to go out to breastfeed her, problem was we couldn't leave Eliza or Ellina alone, so we needed a third person with one of them as we switched, it was fine until one morning all the nurses were busy, they said sorry we don't have anyone to sit with her so you cant leave. Thankfully they finally found someone but not before I started to freak out that either my baby was gonna stave or I was gonna be turned in for leaving my 18 month old daughter unattended. And then their was the challenge at night. the first night I thought it was a given, I had to be home with Ellina so Cody had to stay with Eliza. Well all night long I didn't sleep at all, when I had left Eliza was struggling so hard to breathe and nothing was helping, I have already been told that sorry your babies didn't make it and I just kept thinking it was going to happen again. I kept calling Cody and when he didn't answer, (yes at 2 or so in the morning, why was he sleeping???) so here I was at home feeling helpless. And no sleep for me. So after that I just stayed with Eliza and got up in the middle of the night and went to Ellina, it was awful but it worked. The day Eliza got sent home, Ellina started having trouble, the next day she too went to the hospital, but only over night, we decided that the synagis shot to help prevent RSV, must have helped because she had to be on higher oxygen but other then that no fevers or anything, so we went home the next day...


But now, Three weeks later we all seem much better and I think its safe to say..... Ellina is done with oxygen!!!! yes it feels very weird carrying her around without an attachment but she is doing great, at home I have her monitored and I don't stress it so much when we go places because she is doing so well. So I'm really hoping that she doesn't catch anything and have to go back on.


Anyway, I took Ellina to Physical therapy yesterday, she did an assessment and thinks that the reason Ellina cant roll is because of her smaller leg, she kicks it like crazy but tires easily. So I was given a few exercised to do with her ore then once a day and she said I don't need to see her more then once a month. normally someone would be relived to hear that but for me I was disappointed I finally told her, actually I need help, I am too busy to stay on top of this every day and I just need a little help. So she agreed to work with her once a week. She thinks Ellina is doing actually very well, she is ahead in some things but has what they call gaps, because she can do some things but not the things in between. but we are hoping very soon she will figure out, given the things I was given to help her along

The Boys really love their cousins!!!

Sometimes a little too much!!!! But they tolerate it really well!!!

So day before yesterday we took Ellina to see a neurologist. I had asked for a referral about a month ago for more then one reason, Ellinas leg and foot that is way smaller then the other one was one reason and the fact that she is 5 1/2 months and still not rolling over, or showing much progress. When I brought her in I was allot less worried, she still doesn't roll but is getting the fine motor skills down well, she grabs at stuff shakes her toys, jabbers and at least tries to do the things that she is supposed to be doing.
The neurologist visit was very informative. I hope this doesn't sound offensive to anyone but I thought it was really neat that the doctor was deaf, she asked us to look at her while talking because she lip read. To me that is just amazing that even without being able to hear she could be a brilliant doctor.. Good for her! But anyway, she said that we not only have to adjust Ellinas age to her due date making her 5 month now, but we also need to realize that every hospital stay is a setback, being in the NICU 3 months, and then back for a week with pneumonia, and then back for 2 surgeries, (heart and eye). So putting those set backs in consideration she is actually not behind but doing amazing, she has great head strength and is just working away on the other stuff, although we agree that physical therapy is still a great option for her since it never hurts to help them learn stuff we do think she is ok. Also she does want to do an MRI to check for brain injuries from TTTS and being early, but wait till she is a year so that she can handle anesthesia a little better, I plan on playing that by ear.
Big relief there, my Ellina is just doing amazing, she coos and laughs and is just so beautiful.
Cody and I are doing ok, we still have quite a few bad days, I am friends with alot of other TTTS moms and sometimes its gets really hard, I don't know what I would do without them but I am exposed to more and more loss, it just kills me how many babies are taken by this terrible decease. So for my friend and family when you think of me please say a prayer for all the families that have lost and those who are still fighting for their babies.

I emailed her back and this is what she said:

I will talk to Dr. Walker & Paek and see if they have any insights. We are all very sorry for your loss and to know that you are struggling with the lack of answers. Perhaps there were deeper connections we couldn’t see that were to blame? Perhaps there was something else going on? It’s so hard to retrospectively piece the puzzle, especially when we didn’t do the ultrasounds.


I feel much better now, had a little time to cool off too and think. I know TTTS took my girls I also know that from the start my placenta wasn't healthy maybe caused by TTTS..? The girls cords were inserted wrong and were obviously still connected had they not been Ellina would not have been in so much trouble after their passing. I will always miss my girls and I will always search for answers, not necessarily because I should but because that is just me, how I am.
Emmalin and Ellianna, Mama misses you and will always love you. YES I have 5 kids I have a set of triplets and always will

patholagy report

I finally emailed the office that did my surgery to see if they could give me the report on their study of my placeta, I always just assumed there were connections that were missed, this is the email I got in reply:

Hi Mishael,

I have a copy of your pathology report and would be happy to mail it to you. The main reason we ask for placentas is to see if there are open connections, via air injection and see if there are any open connections—which in your case would demonstrate where the issue was that contributed to the reversed TTTS. However, no open connections were found. Triplet A was found to have 30% of the placenta, Triplet B 40% and Triplet C 30%. No obvious reason by inspecting the placenta why things worked out the way they did. If you want a copy of the report—just let me know where to mail it to…

I feel sick, I feel that I need answers ASAP, I wish I hadnt been so out of it and had them do autopsies. If the surgery did its job and my girls still had TTTS issues is there something they or at least I dont know about TTTS? Im feeling lost

Ellina

Just also wanted to say about Ellina, She is doing very well, still not rolling over so still behind but kicking those legs like crazy and pulling her pacifier out so she can look and talk to it=), or just so that she can cry so i will come and pay attention to her. She is definitely a fussy baby, but its ok I'm adjusting and so is she, we will probably be starting physical therapy for her within a couple weeks so hopefully she can get more strength in her shoulders and of course her little leg. She is probably gonna need oxygen for quite awhile still but its cool at least I know she is getting nice clean air all the time. other then that she is amazing, and love her more and more every day.
My son Gareth was in the store for me today and grabbed so bigger sized clothes saying that weren't they cute? i said yes but who are they for? he replied Emmalin, It breaks my heart but also warms it that my four year old wants so bad to include his sister that he never met in our family

What a day! To start with I finally got Cody talked into going to the doctor to see if he can get something antidepressants or something. He has just really been struggling with everything and I honestly feel like he is just depressed, the kids drive him crazy when they talk and he sleeps allot. I kept asking him if he wanted me to go with him and he said no, so with the risk that he would go to the doctor and say I'm fine, I well agreed to let him go by himself, come on I would have had to find a babysitter for the little girls and get up super early to go to town with him. So anyway Cody called me after his apt and says that the doctor gave him a 2 weeks perspiration and wants to see him right after that to see how hes doing but really feels that Cody should go to counselling and because it wasn't coming from me Cody agreed with him! Its funny that I'm exited but honestly I love my husband so much and I cant handle him being this way we are both such a mess but have such a different way of dealing with it. I tend to spend way to much time on the computer talking to other TTTS moms.

Anyway I just got off the phone and the phone rings.... Ok I guess I have to tell you a little more first to explain. back in June we decided to have our baby angels cremated because we couldn't get a funeral together we couldn't get anything together it took me forever to call the funeral home and tell them and thankfully they set a time for us to sign papers or we would have taken way longer, this isn't something I thought I would do and it makes me feel like such a terrible parent for not getting right on it and taking care of all my babies but I do honestly believe that they are in heaven and so their bodies are just that, bodies. So they told us it would be a little over a week before we could pick up their ashes. when the time came that we knew that they were ready for us we couldn't bring ourselves to go back to the funeral home. Ellina was still in the NICU and we were really consumed by her. Then when we got home I planned on picking them up when I went down to Missoula for appointments. It just didnt happen (again I feel terrible) come on its been 7 months! that's just excessive. So the other night I decided I would e-mail them and have the girls ashes sent to me. when it is late I am emotional and seem to be able to know exactly what to do, if I think Ill do it in the morning it doesn't always happen. Well Ive been waiting for a reply and not getting any. So today, I get this phone call, its the funeral home he said he just saw my e-mail and says I'm holding the urn right now. I had to stop for a second because I picture my little babies. He said no problem that I had waited and he would have it mailed right away. I got off the phone and well I just miss my girls I'm glad I will finally have their urn with me and now I need to find a nice urn for them and eventually have them buried at the cemetery.

We decided to do a small memorial service for them along with a baby shower for Ellina, we wanted to have both right away but Ellina wasn't able to be going out allot for quite awhile and now she will do fine if anyone would like to get her anything I am registered a little at both Walmart and Target

So we are home now and Ellina is doing great, she did really well with the surgery, came out of anesthesia ok it took about 5 hours till she was ok enough h to eat, poor baby she was all out of it but couldn't suck and hadn't eaten since 5 that morning, her surgery was at 9 am. Anyway we see the eye doc on Mon, as far as he could tell it went really well I'm thinking we will know for sure how she did with it when we see him again. It was nice seeing the NICU doctor again, she is the same doctor that had Ellina when we had to go stay in the Kalispell after we left Missoula and Ellina got sick again, she is a great doctor, but she worries so much, last time we were there it was just so hard for me to be back in the hospital after going home. This time it was great we were only there for one night but I could let her know all my worries, Why is she still on oxygen? What if she has brain damage that we don't know about? Anyway we did a chest x-ray and although her lungs look way better there are signs that she will still need a tiny bit of extra oxygen. So I feel much better with that. WE also did a brain ultrasound and it looked very good, I still am going to get a referral to a neurologist and see about getting an MRI to find out if there is something that didn't show up on an ultrasound.
Other then that we are doing pretty good, It was really hard on Cody when I told him that Ellina needed surgery I think we are both sick and tired of worrying about the our survive, I tend to obsess so much more then I did with my other kids.
I still miss my babies like crazy, sometimes nothing seems right, we are getting close to about a year when we found out we were having triplets and although I thought that the chance of them all surviving wasn't that high but at the same time I didn't really believe it, from that point on I planned that next year I would be crazy busy with three babies, my daughter Ellina is so adorable and I just know my girls are in heaven charming everyone up there with their smiles and cooing and talking their own language

So I am sitting here in the hospital waiting for Ellina to get out of surgery, yes its crazy and last minute but... I'll start from the beginning. Last week Ellinas eye doctor's office called me and said that even though he said he wanted her back in six months he realized that he shouldn't wait that long due to the fact that she was just so little when she was born. So they set up an apt for next month. Then this last Monday they called me and asked if there was any way I could come down, I said no is something wrong? no but the doctor would really like to see her asap, maybe Wednesday? I said ok and on Wednesday morning it was snowing like crazy, everyone is staying off the roads so i called and rescheduled, I'm not worried the nurse said everything was fine. Not long later i get a phone call this time from the Doctor, he asked if there is any way I cold brave the roads and come down. Explaining that there was a small undeveloped spot on Ellina's eye that he had thought was no problem, then had been rethinking so he did some research and came to the conclusion that until that resolved she needed to be followed every 4 weeks. And it had been about 4 weeks creeping on 5 weeks, he just didn't want to wait any longer. So i told him I would try and ended up braving the roads the next day, yesterday. the eye exam was pretty normal, except it seemed to take him a little longer, like he needed to take a second and third look at on e spot. When he finished he sat explained that he was ready to go ahead with laser. Mainly the one eye needs it because of the one undeveloped place was still the same and she has PLUS decease here's and definition of plus disease: PLUS disease is a complication of retinopathy of prematurity. In PLUS disease abnormal blood flow to the retina causes the blood vessels on the retina to enlarge and become twisted. PLUS disease is a sign that the ROP is worsening and may require treatment. .... So he decided to treat her and right away so they put her in the NICU (I know just a little old for that but her NICU doctor wanted to see her) last night just to get a baseline on her vitals etc and the had the surgery this morning, which the Doctor just stopped in and said it is done and looks like everything went well. they should let me go in in a few minutes so I have to get going but I hope that explained a little better.

I keep trying to write then get distracted or lost on what to say. I think I'm gonna keep going right now. We are getting super close to a year from when I found out I was pregnant. It crazy how this last year has played out and how my moods go up and down. I find its hard to watch anything super emotional, doesn't matter how fiction it is I still seem to cry allot more during my favorite shows. My husband and I ended up discussing my surgery last time we watched something together, and both ended up in tears, it was so traumatizing for us going through that and being separated. Now whenever we discuss him going anywhere for a period of time we both get kinda freaked out. Well we may have to figure out something because work is scarce around here and income is a must.
Ellina's eye doctor's office called me and he want to see her one more time before passing her to the other doc that sees kids. Ive decided he misses her=) They keep insisting nothings wrong he just read some article and want to be on the safe side with her.
Ellina is still doing ok, I'm a worry wort with her and my newest worry, Why does she still need extra oxygen? She does ok without for a few hours and then all the sudden her sats go down. I think I'm going to be discussing with her doctor about looking into that a little deeper.
She also got her first bad ear infection, poor baby cried for hours until I gave her Tylenol for the night and took her in the next day. She was on antibiotics for 10 days and now that shes done I'm wondering if its coming back. She seems just a little more fussy then normal... And as babies go I think she is already pretty fussy. Its ok, its just making up for the fact that she is my first fussy baby out of 5 kids... Someone said they read that twin less twins, (although Ellina is a tripletless triplet) grieve over their siblings and therefore cry allot more. I wonder sometimes. I love to think when she smiles at the wall that her angel sisters are down visiting with her. I guess I don't care about the theology behind that. Anyway, our lives go on here. I have a birthday party to plan for my Gareth, he's gonna be 4 years old! wow my oldest little on is getting way too big!