ok so, in the past month I have had a really hard time, I was cynical, depressed, and angry, I think it started with my girls birthday and went off the edge with baby Deidrich (baby that was next to my survivor) dying at 16 months. finally in the last few days I felt my spirits coming back up, and slowly coming out of it I feel good now, thankfully right in time to be able to enjoy my little sister's bridal shower! =)
But there were alot of angry questions and thoughts that I would like to talk about without as much of the anger with it. I made alot of discoveries about myself and my thoughts toward God. please feel free to comment any insight you might have for me on this as any is much needed.
I really question God, I want to trust Him and believe that when I pray for something I can can find some peace. When I first found out my girls were sick I was able to pray for my babies and ask for Gods will, I was ok with believing that His plan could be anything and He would help me through anything. When I went for surgery I realized that I couldnt pray, I realized I couldnt ask Gods will about my children's lives, all I could do is ask was let me hold my babies!!!!
Looking back I realize I am more having a hard time trusting God because not because my girls died, I feel like it happens, God didnt DO it, He allowed it because crappy things happen to everyone. But I begged Him to let my husband be there with me when I delivered our girls and Cody came back almost 24 hours later, we are both so messed up because he wasnt there, didnt get to see our angels and most of my family saw Ellina before he did. I dont know why God coudlnt have just made it so Ellina would have been ok inside one more day.
Talking to someone yesterday about God working in things that are hard, it was weird cause I was saying all the things I know people believe to be true. God will work things out, keep praying about it, you have to trust Him that he brought "that person" in your life for a reason, etc. But it was just weird because I know the lines, just dont know if I believe them. I want to so bad!
Well, this is sort of personal, my thoughts are maybe complex and I am sure there are others who would disagree with me too, so I might just write it out and send to you.
ReplyDeletethis is interesting to me. I mean that in the best way, let me see if I can get out everything I'm thinking... First of all, I don't think that just because God doesn't always answer our prayers it means He's not trustworthy. I too have a hard time trusting Him, not because I feel that He doesn't love me, more because He doesn't let me in on the game plan. What we see when we're in something is just that, the inside of it... what God sees is the big picture, the greater plan. And I've been learning that I am not God, and can not see what is best for me, so I have been learning to trust Him on a different level then I ever have before. God will take what was meant for evil and turn it into good. Like you said, bad things happen, God doesn't make them happen, He lets them... but if you let the bad then consume you, you're not going to see the bigger picture. I firmly believe that there was a reason Cody wasn't able to be there on time. I don't know what it is, but I think someday you'll see it, just give it time.
ReplyDeleteI believe that our prayers are never unanswered...just not answered the way we want them. I also believe that we will get to heaven and suddenly all the answers to all these questions will come to us and we will be in awe of how much better God's plans are than ours. I obviously have never been through losing children and I have no idea where I'd be if I had gone through that. I think it's sometimes good to question God, purely for the reason that it helps us grow in the Lord and learn more about Him. It's hard to know that God has a better plan, but then have to live through it, you know He will work it out for good, you know he is sovereign and you know we need to trust him, but to live it out after such a tragedy is hard and I don't think God has a problem with our struggle with trust...He knows us better than we know ourselves. I think sometimes reminding ourselves of those truths are really powerful, even if we are not there yet. He will meet us where we are at and He reveal those truths to us in His time. I love the poem "Footprints" cause it reminds me in the times we feel we aren't able to fully trust and fully walk with him...He carries us. He is carrying you and Cody and when you are ready He will help you walk and trust and feel a peace that surpasses all understanding. You are going through the valley right now and as long as you continue to seek God and want to trust Him, you will be up on the mountain top and look back and see where you came from...it's just getting there that is the worst part...and I have faith that you WILL get there! Anyway, I hope this makes sense...I love you and think you are so amazing and you really are dealing with all this well...I know that's hard for you to see right now, and it is not making things easier for you but you are doing the best you can and it is amazing. *HUGS* =)
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