Sunday, June 3, 2012

Well June is here, on June 10th 2010 I went in for another ultrasound, 1 week before that the girls had had echos done on their hearts and everything was looking great. Two weeks before that I felt that I was a success story for the laser surgery. That my triplets were all good now that the TTTS was gone. I keep seeing the screen. there were no heartbeats, they were gone. she kept moving the ultrasound wand and still nothing. Finally there was one tiny movement. I finally asked and knowing that I already knew the tech said, we have at least one heart beat. My heart was broken I couldn't think, but I did think, Thank you God for that one, I  don't know where I would be had she not still been fighting, I don't. I know that looking back I see allot of different things, one being that that night I couldn't breathe. I thought I was dying, I now believe that I was, they did every test possible on me to try and figure out why my o2 sats wouldn't stay up, didn't matter how much oxygen they put on me, how high the flow. I just couldn't take in the breath. I now think that my body went through the despair before my brain. That it said, I cant keep going, not with this tremendous pain. I cant look at my husband after I had to do what I had to do, call him and tell him 2 of his baby daughters were gone. that he wouldn't get to hold them and play with them. I think my body did what my heart felt it shut down. At some point I stopped to myself and chose that I wanted to live, I wanted to meet my baby survivor my fighter, I wanted to see my daughter Eliza and son Gareth grow up, I didn't want them to grow up without me. I think now that shortly after that is when I started to get better. by that after noon I was able to be taken off oxygen and did ok after that (that I remember it is kinda blurry)
I delivered all three of my baby girls on June 18th 2010. After a few scares of Ellina being in distress, because she was so low on fluid and the connections to her sisters was getting hard on her already damaged heart. At one point they didn't find her heartbeat during labor, they didn't want me to hear but I think its pretty obvious when they are quiet and cant find it anywhere. So they had me push her out. I turned and said I cant loose her too! I know that we do what we have to but Ellina saved me from having to do more, she has been my therapy, she has been the most amazing baby, she is very needy and that's just how I need it. She has been through so much and it is obvious to me.
I say all this cause it hit me today, it all hit me and I cried, I don't remember the last time I cried. I think I had gotten to that point, I was just all out, and the pain was just so bad that the tears couldn't come anymore. But this morning they came, for only a second but they were there, I cried because I miss my baby girls. I want to hold them I wanted so bad to be able to raise them, and it didn't happen. I don't believe there is a reason for everything, I just believe that God does have to allow bad things to happen, and he uses them to make it good, He will use everything to make us better. cause He can.
As June started coming up I became overwhelmed with, mainly fear, fear that I would go deep again, like I did last year, I don't think I can go through that again, I was barely functional, i need to function this year. But I have come to a different place, a place where I realize that my life isnt the same, that my girls are gone and because of that I am a different person. But I am there for alot of people that I never would have had the courage to be there for. Also I have come to realize that my triplets, they are great, there isn't something bad about their birthday because Emmalin and Ellianna are no longer living, its still their birthday and I am so thankful to have had them for the 24 weeks that I did, and Ellina, well she is just the most amazing miracle, to go through everything she has and to still fight to breathe, eat, crawl and stand up and walk. It still makes me tear up, she shows me what fighting really is about. June 18th is the day these amazing girls were born, and I will celebrate them that day and every day, I want to also say that just because I am thinking of all my girls on their birthday does not mean that Ellina is not being celebrated, that she isn't "enough" its not about that, its about the fact that I acknowledge every single one of my children, that they are all very important to me and that they are all loved by me. I can miss my girls all day long but ultimately I am just thankful for them. And thankful for Ellina, that she is such an amazing fighter, I will thank God every day for my miracles, and I will thank Him every day that he let me keep and raise Ellina Joy, that she has been what keeps me joyful. Well I also feel that way about my other 2 surviving children, Eliza and Gareth, I thank god for them all, all five of my incredible children. I'm thankful and happy, no that doesn't mean I don't have a bad day once in awhile, it means that I don't sit around and say its not fair anymore. I have accepted that this happened to me and good is gonna come out of it. I could have gotten pregnant with one baby, they egg didn't have to split 3 ways, I would have delivered that baby and still been timid when I felt that someone needed me because I would think they would be upset because I didn't understand. I have now learned that no matter how same the circumstances, the loss, everyone is different, no one really understands, but there are similarities in every case, and that is where we can connect.
I know that was a long rant and i will try and update more often so that its not all crazy feelings and memories but I felt it needed to be shared, love you guys, Mishael