Monday, March 18, 2013

We haven't had alot go on in the last few months, just day to day life and business. My oldest, Gareth is in kindergarten, Eliza is in head start but home based. And can you believe it? Ellina will be in head start next year! I cant believe that in June it'll be 3 years since I gave birth to my baby girls. Ellina is doing just exceptional, we have her in speech therapy and still a little physical therapy, although she wont be needing it for long. Because Im a little neortic and crazy when it comes to Ellina and lately I get the feeling I'm a little overboard lol, but I don't know, I love Ellina for who she is, I'm proud of every accomplishment she has made,  but I do try and offer her any extra help I can, and I do believe it has made a huge difference in her life, she is doing great with talking, so many sentences!
She also has such a personality about her, she worries, which saddens me, I don't like all the responsibility she takes on herself, she asks constantly where someone is if they are not sitting right next to her, almost every day she asks where her brother is when he is in school, and yells with excitement when he gets home. She is also one of the most uptight high maintenance children I have ever been around lol, when we are in crowds depending on her mood she will yell at someone for just looking at her, telling me very clearly that she does not like them looking at her. (they tell me she is cute, I feel bad that she is screaming at them) Her and her older sister fight constantly, I think most times its Eliza that ends up crying cause Ellina is the bully. But my favorite is when she is yelling and mad and Eliza asks her to her hold her hand and within seconds they are running around playing while holding hands, yes they fight but in the end they are bonded sisters.
The latest medical thing with Ellina was a bit of a shock, Im still a little confused, but we finally got Ellina over to Shriners Hospital to see someone about her leg, she sees a orthopedic doctor in MT but since that's what the entire hospital specializes in in Spokane, I thought I would get another opinion. So far they have done every test we could think of to try and figure out why her leg isn't growing at the same pace as the other and is still cold most times an obviously just isn't getting the blood flow to it, but at the same time every test has come back normal.
The doctor at Shriners looked over everything and then looked at the MRI Ellina had done when she was a little over a year old, when we had the MRI the neurologist pointed out that the cortex was a little bigger then normal, something that normally happens with prematurity. What I don't remember her saying but is in her notes is that the ventricles around there are enlarged, most likely causing the problems with her leg, what?? I don't remember this being told to me, but it was a long time ago (I blogged about it maybe I should see what I said) But the dr explained that her brain is most likely not sending the right signals to her leg, telling it to get the blood flow it needs to grow at the pace its supposed to. She said this would be a extremely small case of CP. So far her feet are a size and half different and her leg (both bones in her leg) is 1/2 centimeter shorter then the other. We are gonna keep monitoring that difference every year and go from there. I went away from the appointment just fine, until it hit me, then I kinda panicked. Now I kinda feel ugh, but overall this isn't much different then what we already knew it just was alot to be told in one visit. Of course I called the neurologist right away and we have an appointment next month to followup and see if that's really what she believes about Ellinas brain and go from there.
Overall I have been doing pretty good, I feel like a pretty functional person thankfully and I am really enjoying life, my kids and husband. But, lately I have realized some feelings that have surfaced, while I'm still trying to make sense of them I feel like I have come to a place of peace that my girls are in heaven, and that I had to experience loosing children. But lately I have had anger surface, weirdly more because of something else, the fact that I am missing out on not only seeing my kids grow up together but also that I missed out on bring able to raise triplets, multiples, I didn't get to try and struggle with breastfeeding 3 babies, I cant tell you if it was possible or not, I have no idea if it would have been. I didn't have alot of sleepless nights and I should have, I hate that I can only imagine what it would be like to raise have 3 screaming babies and to be able to juggle that. At the same time I think I am blessed, I love the memories I do have of my girls, kicking each other and being active, the aching and the hugeness, at least on got to experience that. I used to have days that I questioned why God gave me Emmalin and Ellianna, only to allow them to be taken away, I don't question that now, I am thankful that He gave them to me, even for a short time, that they exist and that one day I will get to cuddle with them again. I hope that I can stay in this palce of healing and peace. Love you girls, miss you every day, Mom