Friday, June 10, 2011

first year

Well we had a few smaller first year anniversaries but today is a big one. Today last year I was told that two of my babies had gone to heaven. I had to call my husband because he was gone in training and tell him, and then had to tell the doctors firmly "YES!!! you must try and save my survivor!" It still kills me looking back how many times I was told I should think about it because there was such a low chance that she would be ok. And I know she beat alot of odds and I will never belittle that fact. Looking back over the last year I have to say I don't think the grief part has gotten any easier, its kinda like a decease it has flares. Some days are completely normal and others it consumes us. Over the last week I have had some incidents that have really hurt me. I think because I am nearing their one year birthday I am alot more sensitive and I talk about it more, therefore getting hurtful responses. Thankfully its mostly from strangers or barely acquaintances. and just to say this to all of you reading this, I almost feel bad venting on here for fear that all of you are looking back worrying that you said something wrong.. Don't you are fine, I love all of you guys and I don't want you to worry, all of you that are my friends as long as you have never tried to belittle my pain or tell me I'm better off or should just be thankful (which I totally and extremely thankful for my Ellina) you haven't said anything wrong, I love you guys and are so thankful that you have been there for me.

Anyway I have a few updates on Ellina, She is doing great, has been off oxygen for about a month, and is in physical thereapy and speech therapy and is helping her motor skills tremendously. She can roll from her back to stomach although she rarely does without crying in frustration, she can sit on her own, falling over once in a while but still cant get herself to the sitting up position although she is working on it. The speach therapy was just started and we are still pretty early to draw many conclusions, so far we cant get her to put her tongue out which may mean she is tongue tied and her top lip is short which is kinda a form of tied just on her lip instead of tongue, but we will see, the lip thing isn't a surgical fix just stretching it and stuff.

She also has an MRI the end of this month, not really looking forward to it but I'm not too worried the results either, I want her to have one so we know what brain injuries she has not to find out that she has them, I think most 25 weekers and TTTS babies will have some. She for sure had oxygenated blood going into her brain so there has to be some injuries from that. So other then that Ellina has been somewhat uneventful, shes a great baby, as long as she is being held or talked to, her siblings think the is the best, they sometime 'smother her with love =) I have to keep a close eye. ha ha

On the girls first birthday we are going to do and birthday party/ baby shower/ memorial service for the girls, we are glad we are finally able to get something together for them ince this last year we have been running constantly. If anyone would like to attend or send card or gift I will be registered at target and walmart and the event info is on Facebook you can email me too for address info