Well I have alot to tell you, yesterday Ellina had an MRI on her brain and on both her legs, we went straight to the neurologist after the MRI and got the results on her brain, we are still waiting for the results on her legs. As much as I want to tell you right away about her results I am going to start from the beginning.
As I was driving over the 3 hour drive to Spokane I really started to worry, its been awhile since Ellina has had any anesthesia and I just was worried at how she would do, my mom was worrying saying I shouldn't do it, she doesn't need it etc and I stood my ground, we decided to do it a long time ago, lets just get it over with. And then I'm driving and getting more and more worried.
Well I got there and they let me stay with her almost the whole time, poor baby was so hungry and I couldn't feed her and of course all the prep stuff takes forever, we got there at 9:30 and they didn't have her all ready to start the MRI till 11:15! One thing that was so nice is when they started an IV the nurse didn't have a hard time about finding a vein at all, I was so happy cause Ive have incidents where it takes them 1 1/2 hours to find a vein. Goes to show the benefits of a children's hospital. When the anesthesiologist came in her answered any questions I had, one, they didnt have to put in a breathing tube! so realived! and this stuff that they used wasnt obsourbed by the body but was broken down and out of her system before she even woke up. She fell asleep pretty fast then I was asked to wait about 1 hour till they were done. at about 1 1/2 hours I kinda went into my paronoid place and had to ask the nurse to check that she was ok, she gets on the phone and waiting way too long to tell me she was fine, I think I held my breath, and unfortionatly heard some of those terrible lines in my head (you know the ones where something went terribly wrong) I hate how Ive become that way, but I know what it feels like to be told that, I dont think it will ever leave me. Anyway she did go into recovery and I went in and held her, she started out doing what she always does and flopping around not knowing what to do, then almost right away I gave her a pacifier and she fell asleep. I sat there and dozed myself while rockeing her, whne she woke up she was almost completely normal, she ate and was talking anad trying to sit up. Her body was still a little weak but otherwis normal. So nice compared to the nightmares of coming out of anesthsia in the past.
Then we went to the anesthiaolagist. So here are the things to think about, when babies have twin to twin transfusion, the blood that flows from their body at times goes to another baby, So when we lost the girls thier blood was going to Ellina, this time there was no oxygen in their blood, it is a big worry of causing brain damage, then Ellina also had hydrops inutero (we think she looked like she did after birth) that is the fluid under the skin and also in the brain, and then being born at 25 weeks, brain injuries are pretty normal from being born too early. So here Ellina has all this against her. For her? well yesterday I saw a meaning of a name and it showed me something different, Ellina has 2 sisters in heaven watching over her, they had a purpose to ebing here and I believe felt no pain in passing, just told Ellina they would always watch her and went away peacefully.
I found a meaning to Emmalin's name and decided to go with it, (you know how alot of baby name books have different meanings) but in this one said, "Emma" means "one who heals" "Lyn" means "water fall" and middle name is "Mercy". "Ellianna" means "God has answered" and middle name is "Hope", "Ellina" means "Bright or light" and middle name Joy.
So I don't know if you got it already but here is what I think. I think having "one who heals" in utero with Ellina is what she had going for her and YES her brain had almost no damage, no brain bleeds, no injuries, just a little bit enlarged in the middle from being early, but that isn't cause any of the issues that they would worry it could. That hit me later then maybe Emmalin and Ellianna healed and helped Ellina after passing, maybe that oxygenated blood helped her to be able the breathe and kept her brain from bleeding etc.
And to get back to the name meaning Emmalin, One who heals with waterfalls of Mercy, and Ellianna, God has answered to have Hope, and Ellina, Our Light of Joy.
I have made a decision, I found that this last year when someone asked me how I was doing felt guilty if I said I was doing good, I felt like that was me saying I'm not sad even though I lost 2 of my children. I decided this, I am choosing to be ok, I wont ever stop missing my girls, I wont ever stop acknowledging their existence. They are just as alive as my other kids just in heaven alive (maybe more alive?) But I am choosing to be positive, I am choosing to say I am good, its ok to be good and happy and still miss my babies.