So its been awhile since Ive updated, been busy, and not a ton has happened with Ellina, she does pretty good, her oxygen needs go up and down but mainly down. So hopefully soon she will be off of it. We keep getting colds, its just that time of the year and we are very blessed that even though Ellina gets colds she still is breathing and eating well. And gaining weight so well we don't have to go in for weekly weight checks now every 2 weeks=) and she weighed 9lbs 8 oz last week. Her eyes are developing very well, I was looking at the pictures of development on her eyes today and they have slowly but surely come a long way. Almost but not quite developed.
We are mostly doing ok, Ive really been fighting, (and yes I really fight) depression. Ive had some days that I cant seem to get myself up to get anything done. Then most other days I do ok, it just keeps hitting me. I just miss my babies so much. I feel like I made plans and my life was shattered with those plans, all I have to do is look at ultrasound pictures and I start to get teary eyed. I don't know When I find myself having a hard time with having 3 kids I think for a second that maybe having 5 right now would have been harder, but then I realize my heart wouldn't be broken and I realize I could have done it and I feel robbed of the multiple experience and the challenge. I avoid talking about it cause I mainly feel like everything I have to say is just me feeling sorry for myself I honestly don't want to be that way, it isn't me. I just wish I could get rid of the pain but at the same I don't want to ignore the fact that I have 2 other children, little girls that I would love so much to watch grow up, and to take care of. Its hard to think of them in heaven because we always think of people in heaven talking but my girls are just babies, no talking are they more mature because they arent on earth?
Well thats my random rant for the day Im hoping to figure out something to better this depression problem and hopefully have some better reading for everyone