So its been awhile since Ive updated, been busy, and not a ton has happened with Ellina, she does pretty good, her oxygen needs go up and down but mainly down. So hopefully soon she will be off of it. We keep getting colds, its just that time of the year and we are very blessed that even though Ellina gets colds she still is breathing and eating well. And gaining weight so well we don't have to go in for weekly weight checks now every 2 weeks=) and she weighed 9lbs 8 oz last week. Her eyes are developing very well, I was looking at the pictures of development on her eyes today and they have slowly but surely come a long way. Almost but not quite developed.
We are mostly doing ok, Ive really been fighting, (and yes I really fight) depression. Ive had some days that I cant seem to get myself up to get anything done. Then most other days I do ok, it just keeps hitting me. I just miss my babies so much. I feel like I made plans and my life was shattered with those plans, all I have to do is look at ultrasound pictures and I start to get teary eyed. I don't know When I find myself having a hard time with having 3 kids I think for a second that maybe having 5 right now would have been harder, but then I realize my heart wouldn't be broken and I realize I could have done it and I feel robbed of the multiple experience and the challenge. I avoid talking about it cause I mainly feel like everything I have to say is just me feeling sorry for myself I honestly don't want to be that way, it isn't me. I just wish I could get rid of the pain but at the same I don't want to ignore the fact that I have 2 other children, little girls that I would love so much to watch grow up, and to take care of. Its hard to think of them in heaven because we always think of people in heaven talking but my girls are just babies, no talking are they more mature because they arent on earth?
Well thats my random rant for the day Im hoping to figure out something to better this depression problem and hopefully have some better reading for everyone
Aw, I am really sorry that you are having a hard time. But that just means that you care deeply. I struggle with depression, too. Especially after having a baby. And you had a baby and experienced a deep loss at the same time. Don't apologize for feeling the way you do. You have every right. Sometimes I think we need to allow ourselves to feel our feelings, because then we can truly work through them. Slowly it will get better, and it will get easier. And if you ever, ever need anything, give me a shout. Things that help me with depression- friends. Research has shown that when women talk with their friends, it releases chemicals in the brain that help fight depression, anxiety and stress. So call up one of your friends and shoot the breeze! Dance. I crank some music and make myself dance with the kids. And then, at least for a minute, everything feels better. A sappy movie. I have a good cry, and I feel like all my emotion has been let out, at least for the time being. Sounds dorky, but it works. I encourage you to find someone to talk about your feelings with. It's not you feeling sorry for yourself or complaining. It's you working through some very legitimate emotions. I hope that helps. We are always praying for you. -Amanda Montgomery
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you are having such a hard time. Those early months are so hard. I look back and wonder how in the world I made it through but I did and you will too. Just keep on trying to put one foot in front of the other and be gentle with yourself each day. I will be thinking of you and hoping your days get easier.
ReplyDeleteThe first few months...heck I'm thinking years since I am 23 months in to this crappy world of loss of a multiple and still have my horribly sad days... are hard. I get through it talking to other moms, reading blogs and stories and writing and sharing our story.
ReplyDeleteKnow that everything you are feeling is so completely normal and that grief occurs at no set rate or pace...there is no right or wrong.
I am hear for you whenever you need to talk. I have also found some great quotes and songs that are on my blog... journeytohopeandhealing.blogspot.com Maybe you will find some peace and hope there.
praying for you. . .
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