Thursday, December 9, 2010

Here I am, trying to avoid the blog during depression so I don't drag everyone down. I'm doing much better now, I have my days but over all for now I'm ok,
Ellina is doing amazing, she weighed 11lbs 3oz yesterday and is 21 inches long, she is in the 50th percentile for her weight!!! yey we were told that she wouldn't likely be over the tenth! She is pretty much off oxygen although it seem that ever o2 sat monitor I get acts up on me and with her high risk of SIDS I don't take her off oxygen too long without it. she is doing great though eating well, gaining well and smiling all the time, when she smiles her whole body moves its so cute and cooing mainly her and her daddy have lots of conversations. Her eyes are still being watched but improving every time, I'm not really worried about them at this point. If we do end up needing a laser surgery Ill deal. She was seen for her heart last week and her the surgery did its job well. But now without all the turbulence, (is what they call all the back flow her tight valve was causing) they now can see a hole in her heart, its not urgent but the doctor is anticipating it needing surgery when she is around 2 or 3 years. Again I'm not thinking about it too hard.
It was weird this last echo cardiogram we had done was in the same place that I went for Emmalin's echo and was the last time I saw all 3 girls alive. It was the first time Ive been back there and it wasn't terrible I tried not to over think it. OF course I did, but I made it through. I just miss them so much. I am so glad and happy for those who have multiples and every things fine. But I am still jealous. My heart will forever be broken but I hope and pray that one day I can say I'm ok and life is good. I hope it doesn't take forever


  1. Mishael-- Just wanted to say I'm thinking of you... I'm delighted to hear you are now getting to experience some of the baby things with Ellina that thrill the spirit, and not just all the work! :/ I think what you are doing, talking about all the babies, is absolutely essential for your healing. No, you aren't the only mom who's ever experienced loss, but you ARE the only mom who experienced these particular ones, and you are affected! You are supported. You are loved. Be in the space where you need to be, right now. As the saying goes: those who matter won't mind and those who mind don't matter.

    My t&p are with you and the fam entire. And, btw, I love the thought of Emmalin and Ellianna giving the certain joy only very young babies can, to all your kinfolk and loved ones in heaven. How wonderful to know they'll be waiting for you! :)) xx-- Amy

  2. Hang in there, things will look up. That is great about her weight, It took over a year for Elijah to even "make it" on the charts! So you are doing great! I'm glad her heart is looking better, my cousin had a hole in her heart as a child and she came through the surgery well. She will get off the oxygen soon, is she on a apnea monitor? Elijah had one and I kept him on it until he was 6 months corrected, helped with the worry about SIDS. I understand about being "jealous" sad to say that part doesn't go away, I can look at twins now and think how cute, I have yet to see a set of triplets, I don't know how I will take that. There is always that part of me that thinks, why did my babies have to die, and why does Elijah have to be without without his brothers.... Hang in there girl, the first year home is the hardest! It does get better, I promise!