Poem

Twin Angels

Written by unknown

Saturday, 13 February 2010 18:58

Last night two little angels Came and whispered in my ear. And this is what they told me “Don’t worry Mummy, we’re right here. It feels like a long time Since we last felt your touch. And we wanted you to know We miss you and Daddy very much. We know that you love us And think of us every day. And it makes us very sad that we had to go away. But we know that our memory will never ever die. And we know that sometimes When you think of us you cry. But don’t worry Mummy There's so much here to do. And every day remember We are watching over you.” Then my angels kissed me As tears rolled down my face. And I knew we’ll all be together again Another time. Another place.

today was a good day, we finally started bringing Ellina to church as we have gotten so sick this fall and Ellina's handled just fine so although I try and be aware of germs in stores etc I'm not s worried about her catching every bug. So anyway we went to church today, it is something I have to get back into the swing of and I think being there is one of the hardest places for me to go. When we have children and it seems we moms make plans on about everything from the very beginning, one of mine was how to sit in church with 3 babies and a 1 year old and still get something from it. Every time I sit, undisturbed it hits me just one of those dreams shattered. I had some unshed tears at church today. (I really don't cry anymore, still feel like I'm out of real tears). But back to the good part, I keep asking why we are doing Christmas this year, its stressful its drama and why oh why do we have to do holidays?? Today our pastor preached a good sermon about Jesus' birth and then we sang a bunch of Christmas songs and for the first time in this season, I felt it. That feeling of Christmas spirit, I love to sing and I love the story of baby Jesus. It was good for me and not something I plan on forgetting any time soon so merry Christmas everyone and Happy Birthday Jesus!

Well I have to start with big news about Ellina, we saw her eye doctor yesterday and when I am used to seeing him every 1 to 2 weeks he announces to schedule her next appointment in 6 months! Her eye are finally all developed YEY!!!!! I'm not sure what I will do with myself now that I don't have to make a trip to Kalispell every week but I'm sure I'll figure out something=). On Tue we had an appointment with Ellinas orthopedic doctor to check her foot, just to remind you last apt she thought Ellina had a slight club foot and was anticipating casting it this apt. I was really not to keen on the idea because that same leg is so much smaller then the other and I worried about messing more with the muscle. When we got there she said the her foot looked much better and didn't feel that a cast was necessary at all just to keep up with the range of motion like I have been. Although her leg is very different in size I guess all we can do is watch it closely. So two good appointments I'm tired now and have alot of cleaning to do now that we are home.

Here I am, trying to avoid the blog during depression so I don't drag everyone down. I'm doing much better now, I have my days but over all for now I'm ok,
Ellina is doing amazing, she weighed 11lbs 3oz yesterday and is 21 inches long, she is in the 50th percentile for her weight!!! yey we were told that she wouldn't likely be over the tenth! She is pretty much off oxygen although it seem that ever o2 sat monitor I get acts up on me and with her high risk of SIDS I don't take her off oxygen too long without it. she is doing great though eating well, gaining well and smiling all the time, when she smiles her whole body moves its so cute and cooing mainly her and her daddy have lots of conversations. Her eyes are still being watched but improving every time, I'm not really worried about them at this point. If we do end up needing a laser surgery Ill deal. She was seen for her heart last week and her the surgery did its job well. But now without all the turbulence, (is what they call all the back flow her tight valve was causing) they now can see a hole in her heart, its not urgent but the doctor is anticipating it needing surgery when she is around 2 or 3 years. Again I'm not thinking about it too hard.
It was weird this last echo cardiogram we had done was in the same place that I went for Emmalin's echo and was the last time I saw all 3 girls alive. It was the first time Ive been back there and it wasn't terrible I tried not to over think it. OF course I did, but I made it through. I just miss them so much. I am so glad and happy for those who have multiples and every things fine. But I am still jealous. My heart will forever be broken but I hope and pray that one day I can say I'm ok and life is good. I hope it doesn't take forever

Ellina is the sweetest thing!!!

My son was really happy to be able to hold her and calm her down. She fell asleep on him!

So its been awhile since Ive updated, been busy, and not a ton has happened with Ellina, she does pretty good, her oxygen needs go up and down but mainly down. So hopefully soon she will be off of it. We keep getting colds, its just that time of the year and we are very blessed that even though Ellina gets colds she still is breathing and eating well. And gaining weight so well we don't have to go in for weekly weight checks now every 2 weeks=) and she weighed 9lbs 8 oz last week. Her eyes are developing very well, I was looking at the pictures of development on her eyes today and they have slowly but surely come a long way. Almost but not quite developed.
We are mostly doing ok, Ive really been fighting, (and yes I really fight) depression. Ive had some days that I cant seem to get myself up to get anything done. Then most other days I do ok, it just keeps hitting me. I just miss my babies so much. I feel like I made plans and my life was shattered with those plans, all I have to do is look at ultrasound pictures and I start to get teary eyed. I don't know When I find myself having a hard time with having 3 kids I think for a second that maybe having 5 right now would have been harder, but then I realize my heart wouldn't be broken and I realize I could have done it and I feel robbed of the multiple experience and the challenge. I avoid talking about it cause I mainly feel like everything I have to say is just me feeling sorry for myself I honestly don't want to be that way, it isn't me. I just wish I could get rid of the pain but at the same I don't want to ignore the fact that I have 2 other children, little girls that I would love so much to watch grow up, and to take care of. Its hard to think of them in heaven because we always think of people in heaven talking but my girls are just babies, no talking are they more mature because they arent on earth?
Well thats my random rant for the day Im hoping to figure out something to better this depression problem and hopefully have some better reading for everyone