So I am sitting here in the hospital waiting for Ellina to get out of surgery, yes its crazy and last minute but... I'll start from the beginning. Last week Ellinas eye doctor's office called me and said that even though he said he wanted her back in six months he realized that he shouldn't wait that long due to the fact that she was just so little when she was born. So they set up an apt for next month. Then this last Monday they called me and asked if there was any way I could come down, I said no is something wrong? no but the doctor would really like to see her asap, maybe Wednesday? I said ok and on Wednesday morning it was snowing like crazy, everyone is staying off the roads so i called and rescheduled, I'm not worried the nurse said everything was fine. Not long later i get a phone call this time from the Doctor, he asked if there is any way I cold brave the roads and come down. Explaining that there was a small undeveloped spot on Ellina's eye that he had thought was no problem, then had been rethinking so he did some research and came to the conclusion that until that resolved she needed to be followed every 4 weeks. And it had been about 4 weeks creeping on 5 weeks, he just didn't want to wait any longer. So i told him I would try and ended up braving the roads the next day, yesterday. the eye exam was pretty normal, except it seemed to take him a little longer, like he needed to take a second and third look at on e spot. When he finished he sat explained that he was ready to go ahead with laser. Mainly the one eye needs it because of the one undeveloped place was still the same and she has PLUS decease here's and definition of plus disease: PLUS disease is a complication of retinopathy of prematurity. In PLUS disease abnormal blood flow to the retina causes the blood vessels on the retina to enlarge and become twisted. PLUS disease is a sign that the ROP is worsening and may require treatment. .... So he decided to treat her and right away so they put her in the NICU (I know just a little old for that but her NICU doctor wanted to see her) last night just to get a baseline on her vitals etc and the had the surgery this morning, which the Doctor just stopped in and said it is done and looks like everything went well. they should let me go in in a few minutes so I have to get going but I hope that explained a little better.

I keep trying to write then get distracted or lost on what to say. I think I'm gonna keep going right now. We are getting super close to a year from when I found out I was pregnant. It crazy how this last year has played out and how my moods go up and down. I find its hard to watch anything super emotional, doesn't matter how fiction it is I still seem to cry allot more during my favorite shows. My husband and I ended up discussing my surgery last time we watched something together, and both ended up in tears, it was so traumatizing for us going through that and being separated. Now whenever we discuss him going anywhere for a period of time we both get kinda freaked out. Well we may have to figure out something because work is scarce around here and income is a must.
Ellina's eye doctor's office called me and he want to see her one more time before passing her to the other doc that sees kids. Ive decided he misses her=) They keep insisting nothings wrong he just read some article and want to be on the safe side with her.
Ellina is still doing ok, I'm a worry wort with her and my newest worry, Why does she still need extra oxygen? She does ok without for a few hours and then all the sudden her sats go down. I think I'm going to be discussing with her doctor about looking into that a little deeper.
She also got her first bad ear infection, poor baby cried for hours until I gave her Tylenol for the night and took her in the next day. She was on antibiotics for 10 days and now that shes done I'm wondering if its coming back. She seems just a little more fussy then normal... And as babies go I think she is already pretty fussy. Its ok, its just making up for the fact that she is my first fussy baby out of 5 kids... Someone said they read that twin less twins, (although Ellina is a tripletless triplet) grieve over their siblings and therefore cry allot more. I wonder sometimes. I love to think when she smiles at the wall that her angel sisters are down visiting with her. I guess I don't care about the theology behind that. Anyway, our lives go on here. I have a birthday party to plan for my Gareth, he's gonna be 4 years old! wow my oldest little on is getting way too big!

Poem

Twin Angels

Written by unknown

Saturday, 13 February 2010 18:58

Last night two little angels Came and whispered in my ear. And this is what they told me “Don’t worry Mummy, we’re right here. It feels like a long time Since we last felt your touch. And we wanted you to know We miss you and Daddy very much. We know that you love us And think of us every day. And it makes us very sad that we had to go away. But we know that our memory will never ever die. And we know that sometimes When you think of us you cry. But don’t worry Mummy There's so much here to do. And every day remember We are watching over you.” Then my angels kissed me As tears rolled down my face. And I knew we’ll all be together again Another time. Another place.

today was a good day, we finally started bringing Ellina to church as we have gotten so sick this fall and Ellina's handled just fine so although I try and be aware of germs in stores etc I'm not s worried about her catching every bug. So anyway we went to church today, it is something I have to get back into the swing of and I think being there is one of the hardest places for me to go. When we have children and it seems we moms make plans on about everything from the very beginning, one of mine was how to sit in church with 3 babies and a 1 year old and still get something from it. Every time I sit, undisturbed it hits me just one of those dreams shattered. I had some unshed tears at church today. (I really don't cry anymore, still feel like I'm out of real tears). But back to the good part, I keep asking why we are doing Christmas this year, its stressful its drama and why oh why do we have to do holidays?? Today our pastor preached a good sermon about Jesus' birth and then we sang a bunch of Christmas songs and for the first time in this season, I felt it. That feeling of Christmas spirit, I love to sing and I love the story of baby Jesus. It was good for me and not something I plan on forgetting any time soon so merry Christmas everyone and Happy Birthday Jesus!

Well I have to start with big news about Ellina, we saw her eye doctor yesterday and when I am used to seeing him every 1 to 2 weeks he announces to schedule her next appointment in 6 months! Her eye are finally all developed YEY!!!!! I'm not sure what I will do with myself now that I don't have to make a trip to Kalispell every week but I'm sure I'll figure out something=). On Tue we had an appointment with Ellinas orthopedic doctor to check her foot, just to remind you last apt she thought Ellina had a slight club foot and was anticipating casting it this apt. I was really not to keen on the idea because that same leg is so much smaller then the other and I worried about messing more with the muscle. When we got there she said the her foot looked much better and didn't feel that a cast was necessary at all just to keep up with the range of motion like I have been. Although her leg is very different in size I guess all we can do is watch it closely. So two good appointments I'm tired now and have alot of cleaning to do now that we are home.

Here I am, trying to avoid the blog during depression so I don't drag everyone down. I'm doing much better now, I have my days but over all for now I'm ok,
Ellina is doing amazing, she weighed 11lbs 3oz yesterday and is 21 inches long, she is in the 50th percentile for her weight!!! yey we were told that she wouldn't likely be over the tenth! She is pretty much off oxygen although it seem that ever o2 sat monitor I get acts up on me and with her high risk of SIDS I don't take her off oxygen too long without it. she is doing great though eating well, gaining well and smiling all the time, when she smiles her whole body moves its so cute and cooing mainly her and her daddy have lots of conversations. Her eyes are still being watched but improving every time, I'm not really worried about them at this point. If we do end up needing a laser surgery Ill deal. She was seen for her heart last week and her the surgery did its job well. But now without all the turbulence, (is what they call all the back flow her tight valve was causing) they now can see a hole in her heart, its not urgent but the doctor is anticipating it needing surgery when she is around 2 or 3 years. Again I'm not thinking about it too hard.
It was weird this last echo cardiogram we had done was in the same place that I went for Emmalin's echo and was the last time I saw all 3 girls alive. It was the first time Ive been back there and it wasn't terrible I tried not to over think it. OF course I did, but I made it through. I just miss them so much. I am so glad and happy for those who have multiples and every things fine. But I am still jealous. My heart will forever be broken but I hope and pray that one day I can say I'm ok and life is good. I hope it doesn't take forever