I'm back

I'm  surprised how long its been since I've updated this blog. Wow! Years!
But I've decided that its time to update, a little at least.
We have had a lot go on in the last few years. We decided to move to Kalispell for me to go to culinary school. This was the fall of 2013, so we up and moved. It was super quick and although everything was figured out for my school, I didn't figure a lot out when it comes to my kids, especially Ellina, she has been doing very well and at that point we were taking a break from therapies, which for her is very normal, she does great for awhile, we take a break and she starts to fall behind and needs the therapy again. Every time we stop, we hope that this time she won't need it again but in most cases she does.
So, we got Ellina and Eliza enrolled in Head Start, Gareth in 1st grade, and found a small 2 bedroom house to rent in a decent school district.
For Ellina, in head start, they almost immediately put her in speech therapy. I asked for a PT and OT evaluation, and was told that they would get right on that. One of Ellina's first challenges with our move was the noise, it is quite a bit louder in a town with an airport and she wasn't handling it well, any loud noise would result in screaming and terror on her face, which really was sad. I was told by her speech therapist to explain to her that it wasn't scary and that she would be fine. But I quickly discovered that I was invalidating her fears and it didn't feel right. So I learned to just hold her, help her to cover her ears and explain her her that I was there for her. Thankfully, after a decent amount of time, the noises didn't phase her anymore. I started to notice that she was starting to favor her leg, and normally her PT would notice long before I did, so with a little bit of pushing, I got a PT evaluation done at head start, I got the results and it said "Ellina is small for her age but is just fine" in about ten paragraphs, no mention of her leg whatsoever! I was pretty upset, and with my insanely busy school schedule it took a bit before I was able to find a second pediatric PT. Turns out that Libby (the tiny town where we moved from) has some amazing therapists. Kalispell is much bigger and there just aren't very many therapists for the population, when I called the places that did have therapists they would have long waiting lists. I finally found a PT that did home based therapy and she came over and evaluated Ellina. Within a few minutes she had her qualified for therapy so we set that up.

So I'll be continuing this later :)

We haven't had alot go on in the last few months, just day to day life and business. My oldest, Gareth is in kindergarten, Eliza is in head start but home based. And can you believe it? Ellina will be in head start next year! I cant believe that in June it'll be 3 years since I gave birth to my baby girls. Ellina is doing just exceptional, we have her in speech therapy and still a little physical therapy, although she wont be needing it for long. Because Im a little neortic and crazy when it comes to Ellina and lately I get the feeling I'm a little overboard lol, but I don't know, I love Ellina for who she is, I'm proud of every accomplishment she has made,  but I do try and offer her any extra help I can, and I do believe it has made a huge difference in her life, she is doing great with talking, so many sentences!
She also has such a personality about her, she worries, which saddens me, I don't like all the responsibility she takes on herself, she asks constantly where someone is if they are not sitting right next to her, almost every day she asks where her brother is when he is in school, and yells with excitement when he gets home. She is also one of the most uptight high maintenance children I have ever been around lol, when we are in crowds depending on her mood she will yell at someone for just looking at her, telling me very clearly that she does not like them looking at her. (they tell me she is cute, I feel bad that she is screaming at them) Her and her older sister fight constantly, I think most times its Eliza that ends up crying cause Ellina is the bully. But my favorite is when she is yelling and mad and Eliza asks her to her hold her hand and within seconds they are running around playing while holding hands, yes they fight but in the end they are bonded sisters.
The latest medical thing with Ellina was a bit of a shock, Im still a little confused, but we finally got Ellina over to Shriners Hospital to see someone about her leg, she sees a orthopedic doctor in MT but since that's what the entire hospital specializes in in Spokane, I thought I would get another opinion. So far they have done every test we could think of to try and figure out why her leg isn't growing at the same pace as the other and is still cold most times an obviously just isn't getting the blood flow to it, but at the same time every test has come back normal.
The doctor at Shriners looked over everything and then looked at the MRI Ellina had done when she was a little over a year old, when we had the MRI the neurologist pointed out that the cortex was a little bigger then normal, something that normally happens with prematurity. What I don't remember her saying but is in her notes is that the ventricles around there are enlarged, most likely causing the problems with her leg, what?? I don't remember this being told to me, but it was a long time ago (I blogged about it maybe I should see what I said) But the dr explained that her brain is most likely not sending the right signals to her leg, telling it to get the blood flow it needs to grow at the pace its supposed to. She said this would be a extremely small case of CP. So far her feet are a size and half different and her leg (both bones in her leg) is 1/2 centimeter shorter then the other. We are gonna keep monitoring that difference every year and go from there. I went away from the appointment just fine, until it hit me, then I kinda panicked. Now I kinda feel ugh, but overall this isn't much different then what we already knew it just was alot to be told in one visit. Of course I called the neurologist right away and we have an appointment next month to followup and see if that's really what she believes about Ellinas brain and go from there.
Overall I have been doing pretty good, I feel like a pretty functional person thankfully and I am really enjoying life, my kids and husband. But, lately I have realized some feelings that have surfaced, while I'm still trying to make sense of them I feel like I have come to a place of peace that my girls are in heaven, and that I had to experience loosing children. But lately I have had anger surface, weirdly more because of something else, the fact that I am missing out on not only seeing my kids grow up together but also that I missed out on bring able to raise triplets, multiples, I didn't get to try and struggle with breastfeeding 3 babies, I cant tell you if it was possible or not, I have no idea if it would have been. I didn't have alot of sleepless nights and I should have, I hate that I can only imagine what it would be like to raise have 3 screaming babies and to be able to juggle that. At the same time I think I am blessed, I love the memories I do have of my girls, kicking each other and being active, the aching and the hugeness, at least on got to experience that. I used to have days that I questioned why God gave me Emmalin and Ellianna, only to allow them to be taken away, I don't question that now, I am thankful that He gave them to me, even for a short time, that they exist and that one day I will get to cuddle with them again. I hope that I can stay in this palce of healing and peace. Love you girls, miss you every day, Mom

So I was looking over my blog and realized I have waited way too long to update. We havent had alot going on lately, Ellina is still doing great, she is walking around eating a ton and talking all the time. for the girls birthday in June we did celebrate all three girls, I think everyone was worried that I was planning a funeral on every birthday but to me it was just all about celebrating all my kids, and their birthdays. So we made 3 cakes, which were actually cupcake pull apart cakes, I put cupcakes next to each other and frosted them like one cake, I did 2 butterflies and one large flower. it was a great day, I think the only day in June that I was really ok. although all of June I wasn't really a normal functional person, Here's to hoping that next year Ill be better.
So Ellina around August all the sudden Ellina started acting liek a 2 yer old, its funny cause when she throws fits we laugh cause we are like finally! I think at this point I would still adjust her age, as way closer to her due date she started being more of a 2 year old.
We started up speech therapy again, this time its twice a week, its been a great resource and help for us. Ellina has gotten so much better with her speech plus I don't have to constantly worry about that part, her favorite things to say are, (with attitude) "I don't know!" and "Go away!" she talks constantly and we still dont understand alot of it the difference is now she is actually saying words now not just jabbering. Im so thankful that Im able to have her in therapy for her to have help with this.
She eats really well now, lol she eats alot! constantly eating. I weaned her back in July and now with winter and sicknesses coming along Im kinda regretting it. and really considering pumping for her. She has a virus right now with stuffed up sinus' and although shes doing fine I think having breast milk would help her fight it better, but she is also eating very well loves healthy food and her liquid multi vitamin.

 

 Ellina is sure a ray of sunshine, she loves to sing and dance and has the cutest smile.

We still have and I believe we always will have our bad days when we just miss our girls. but we are surviving and I think we found our new norm as parents of baby angels in heaven

Well June is here, on June 10th 2010 I went in for another ultrasound, 1 week before that the girls had had echos done on their hearts and everything was looking great. Two weeks before that I felt that I was a success story for the laser surgery. That my triplets were all good now that the TTTS was gone. I keep seeing the screen. there were no heartbeats, they were gone. she kept moving the ultrasound wand and still nothing. Finally there was one tiny movement. I finally asked and knowing that I already knew the tech said, we have at least one heart beat. My heart was broken I couldn't think, but I did think, Thank you God for that one, I  don't know where I would be had she not still been fighting, I don't. I know that looking back I see allot of different things, one being that that night I couldn't breathe. I thought I was dying, I now believe that I was, they did every test possible on me to try and figure out why my o2 sats wouldn't stay up, didn't matter how much oxygen they put on me, how high the flow. I just couldn't take in the breath. I now think that my body went through the despair before my brain. That it said, I cant keep going, not with this tremendous pain. I cant look at my husband after I had to do what I had to do, call him and tell him 2 of his baby daughters were gone. that he wouldn't get to hold them and play with them. I think my body did what my heart felt it shut down. At some point I stopped to myself and chose that I wanted to live, I wanted to meet my baby survivor my fighter, I wanted to see my daughter Eliza and son Gareth grow up, I didn't want them to grow up without me. I think now that shortly after that is when I started to get better. by that after noon I was able to be taken off oxygen and did ok after that (that I remember it is kinda blurry)
I delivered all three of my baby girls on June 18th 2010. After a few scares of Ellina being in distress, because she was so low on fluid and the connections to her sisters was getting hard on her already damaged heart. At one point they didn't find her heartbeat during labor, they didn't want me to hear but I think its pretty obvious when they are quiet and cant find it anywhere. So they had me push her out. I turned and said I cant loose her too! I know that we do what we have to but Ellina saved me from having to do more, she has been my therapy, she has been the most amazing baby, she is very needy and that's just how I need it. She has been through so much and it is obvious to me.
I say all this cause it hit me today, it all hit me and I cried, I don't remember the last time I cried. I think I had gotten to that point, I was just all out, and the pain was just so bad that the tears couldn't come anymore. But this morning they came, for only a second but they were there, I cried because I miss my baby girls. I want to hold them I wanted so bad to be able to raise them, and it didn't happen. I don't believe there is a reason for everything, I just believe that God does have to allow bad things to happen, and he uses them to make it good, He will use everything to make us better. cause He can.
As June started coming up I became overwhelmed with, mainly fear, fear that I would go deep again, like I did last year, I don't think I can go through that again, I was barely functional, i need to function this year. But I have come to a different place, a place where I realize that my life isnt the same, that my girls are gone and because of that I am a different person. But I am there for alot of people that I never would have had the courage to be there for. Also I have come to realize that my triplets, they are great, there isn't something bad about their birthday because Emmalin and Ellianna are no longer living, its still their birthday and I am so thankful to have had them for the 24 weeks that I did, and Ellina, well she is just the most amazing miracle, to go through everything she has and to still fight to breathe, eat, crawl and stand up and walk. It still makes me tear up, she shows me what fighting really is about. June 18th is the day these amazing girls were born, and I will celebrate them that day and every day, I want to also say that just because I am thinking of all my girls on their birthday does not mean that Ellina is not being celebrated, that she isn't "enough" its not about that, its about the fact that I acknowledge every single one of my children, that they are all very important to me and that they are all loved by me. I can miss my girls all day long but ultimately I am just thankful for them. And thankful for Ellina, that she is such an amazing fighter, I will thank God every day for my miracles, and I will thank Him every day that he let me keep and raise Ellina Joy, that she has been what keeps me joyful. Well I also feel that way about my other 2 surviving children, Eliza and Gareth, I thank god for them all, all five of my incredible children. I'm thankful and happy, no that doesn't mean I don't have a bad day once in awhile, it means that I don't sit around and say its not fair anymore. I have accepted that this happened to me and good is gonna come out of it. I could have gotten pregnant with one baby, they egg didn't have to split 3 ways, I would have delivered that baby and still been timid when I felt that someone needed me because I would think they would be upset because I didn't understand. I have now learned that no matter how same the circumstances, the loss, everyone is different, no one really understands, but there are similarities in every case, and that is where we can connect.
I know that was a long rant and i will try and update more often so that its not all crazy feelings and memories but I felt it needed to be shared, love you guys, Mishael

Just a few updated pictures

I wanted to update on my weekend, the day had finally come to go to the Eat, Hope Run, event for the Fetal hope foundation in Seattle WA. It went great! I drove to Seattle on Saturday and stayed with family that I have over there =-) I got there at about 3pm, which was alot faster then I had expected. SO I had time to buy a few white shirts and write my girls names on them, then I requested all the TTTS parents to post their TTTS babies names so I could write them on the shirt also, the idea being that when someone glanced at the shirt they could see that a lot of babies are effected by TTTS, I put both angels and survivors names on there. It was great to be able to honor every ones babies also. I am also glad I had thought of something because the few people that I wanted to make sure and meet knew who I was even though we had never met before, I was honored to meet some great people, some I have known for quite awhile on facebook. The one downside was that it was very cold outside, Ellina did pretty good in the stroller but Eliza was shivering even wrapped in a blanket and wanted so bad to go play at the park and the bouncy houses but really couldnt.
Although I had planned on attempting to do more then walk the 5k I ended up choosing to walk because my husbands aunt Nancy, (who has been there for us through everything, almost every doctors appointment surgery etc) had also chosen to walk in honor of our babies and her daughter Julianne's angel babies lost the same year as mine from TTTS. She has had reoccurring problems with her foot so I chose to walk with her. It was a great walk though! they had us go up this steep hill and at the top said ha ha fooled ya for April fools day! turn around! (or something like that) it was a great workout and I loved that I could bring Ellina with me. Also to honor all of my triplet girls, together. TTTS took two of my girls and has put my Ellina through so much. I think the event was draining for both Ellina and me as we both slept for hours when getting back to the house. it wasn't just a tiring day but also very emotional. I thankfully feel like I have come a long was in grief as I felt no anger when seeing the cute identical twins that seemed like they were everywhere. I know it would have been harder had I seen triplets but I also know I would love to see TTTS triplet survivors. I did have a bit of a hard time seeing the little baby twins but it doest help that the baby fever has hit me again =-) lol that's a different subject, maybe for another post. Thankyou everyone that helped me to make this event possible!

I'm excited to say that I am planning a trip to Seattle WA with Ellina to do a 5k run for the Fetal Hope Fountation! I plan on taking Ellina with me and doing the stroller run.
here is a link that explains the event =)
http://www.fetalhope.org/give/events?eid=1768
I am at this point trying to raise funds to be able to go as its a 8 hour drive for me, it is something that is important to me so Im sure I will make it happen but if anyone would like to help out we added a donate button to this blog! even $1 would make a difference =-)

Now for an update on Ellina, she seems to be growing up faster and more and more every day, she jabbers like crazy and seems to think we should understand every word =-) so far I have discovered that her jumbled words do mean something but I have to listen carefully and in context, she says, "what that?"
She also has a little attatude, crazy girl, she has discovered hair pulling and hitting... yeah that is so annoying and her poor older sister =(
She is still a tiny girl but seem to be catching up to her actual age, she will be 2 on june 18th! I cant believe its been that long since I delivered her and cuddled with my baby girls Emmalin and Ellianna, miss them. Mama and Daddy miss you girls!

Well I decided its time to update. My kids keep me so busy =) Ellina has been doing great! she is walking!!!!! she is at the point of walking most times to get places unless she is in a huge hurry, I was so excited when she first started, I really thought she had a few months left to do that. The first time she walked across the room Cody and I both got teary eyed, we were just a awe of our little miracle. She never ceases to amaze us. She jabbers constantly and is finally starting to eat solids more, actually on the road to weaning... I plan on breastfeeding till shes two but am excited not to be exclusively breastfeeding, it started getting exhausting, as she was getting too old and wanted food. She still struggles to open her mouth, seems to take more concentration then for most babies but shes got it down.
On another note, the holidays are always going to be hard for us, knowing that we are missing out on 2 of our precious children. But I did much better this year then last year. I decided that for me 18 months was a good amount of time and I finally feel like I'm healing, I will say I don't believe in moving on, getting over it etc. My girls will always be my girls, but its so nice to think of them fondly without the depression and the anger. If you ever see me know this, talking about my girls doesn't upset me, it makes me happy that someone else is thinking of them. I think of them every day all day long, every time I count my kids, like a role call make sure they are ok, I feel like I'm missing someone.
Gareth, my four year old was counting how many boys and girls we have... he counted 1,2, (Eliza and Ellina) and then 3, 4, pointing up to heaven. I love it. He told me he wanted to see them and see what they looked like, I tried to tell him that they look like Ellina but he said "No, no one is the same, we are all different." He enjoyed the ultrasound pictures I have of them

A quick update on Ellina Joy! she is doing amazing! she has started to talk, saying mostly her name, when we call her she like to yell "Ellina" back, ofcourse we also found out that we cant get her to say it on cue, She will also say Eliza, (her big sisters name) it sounds simular but there is a difference. Gareth is a mix of brother and Gareth, dont know how that works lol. She wants to walk but her leg being still weaker then the other is messing with her balance, although the control of that leg is so much better then it was we are noticing that her hip on that leg doesnt have the same control. so we are deciding not to worry about it till January and then get way more aggressive with physical therapy but until then we are just letting her do her thing and try and work with her mostly at home

a quick note

I have given Ellina extra hugs and kisses and want to send a few up to heaven for Emmalin and Ellianna, I miss you my baby girls and will always love you, I believe one day Ill get to snuggle you again and it will all be ok, if I didnt I dont know where I would be.. thankyou for watching out for Ellina for me, I know you did because she want supposed to do as well as she has and is. Loves Mama

Tomorrow my babies are 1 year old from their due date. Its funny the days it hits me, I look at Ellina and I imagine 2 copies of her next to her, playing or crying and trying to get my attention with her......... And then I wonder, what are they like? are they just like Ellina? or like all my other kids are they completely different? would Ellina be different had they made it? you know how when a middle child becomes the oldest they change? would Ellina been the mellow middle baby instead of a feisty fighter? Love you my babies!!!
Ellina amazes me everyday, I thank God more and more for her surviving and allowing me to be able to take care of her, she has just done so well, 25 weekers don't do that well very often at least from all the people I know now that hve also had 25 weekers. I love my little baby and she makes me awe when I look at how far she has come, when she climbs up the stairs and screams at her sister for taking her toy. She has come so far!!!

ellina eating issues

Hi, its hard to know what to write when life is so boring, Ellina is doing great! we do have concerns about her having feeding issues, which is completely normal preemie thing we will see how it goes. I have talked to quite a few other parents and alot of preemies have to be on formula throughout their 2nd year, problem is that Ellina is exclusively breastfed no formula and so I don't know what to do, in one week Ill have been breastfeeding for 2 years straight, and some of those times 2 babies!! I don't LOVE breastfeeding but I don't mind doing what is the very best for my babies. I'm just getting tired of it, come on 2 years ;-/ I also work now and the constant stress of pumping or Oh no I didn't pump I might loose my milk. Is just getting tiring too. I need a little bit of a break. Anyway, Ellina refuses to eat anything off a spoon, she will eat finger foods but is very picky about what! I gave her applesauce and she played in it, but clamped her mouth shut, I put spaghetti on her same plate and she stuffed it in her mouth! I don't get this kid, I don't know what she can eat and what she shouldn't be eating but I think she wants flavor and stuff she cant really eat at times.
Oh andlastly, I pulled a half eaten bug out of her mouth, she fought me and was very mad that I took that great bug from her

Just wanted to share... Ellina Joy is doing so amazing! she is crawling, standing and cruising along the furniture! I saw my home visitor for the child development center and she said that most likely next time they screen her she most likely wont be eligible for the services. which is great thing meaning that she is almost all caught up! I'm extremely happy about this. One of my other worries is her eating solids. Now I think its just a matter of time till she will be eating them no problem I think the biggest problem we have now is she wants stuff with FLAVOR! she loves tasting everything but still gags really easy on stuff but if its baby food she doesn't like to eat it I think just cause she thinks it tastes bad poor baby Ill have to research of what foods she should be able t eat. she loves re fried beans just don't know how well her stomach will handle that

Ellinas MRI

Well I have alot to tell you, yesterday Ellina had an MRI on her brain and on both her legs, we went straight to the neurologist after the MRI and got the results on her brain, we are still waiting for the results on her legs. As much as I want to tell you right away about her results I am going to start from the beginning.
As I was driving over the 3 hour drive to Spokane I really started to worry, its been awhile since Ellina has had any anesthesia and I just was worried at how she would do, my mom was worrying saying I shouldn't do it, she doesn't need it etc and I stood my ground, we decided to do it a long time ago, lets just get it over with. And then I'm driving and getting more and more worried.
Well I got there and they let me stay with her almost the whole time, poor baby was so hungry and I couldn't feed her and of course all the prep stuff takes forever, we got there at 9:30 and they didn't have her all ready to start the MRI till 11:15! One thing that was so nice is when they started an IV the nurse didn't have a hard time about finding a vein at all, I was so happy cause Ive have incidents where it takes them 1 1/2 hours to find a vein. Goes to show the benefits of a children's hospital. When the anesthesiologist came in her answered any questions I had, one, they didnt have to put in a breathing tube! so realived! and this stuff that they used wasnt obsourbed by the body but was broken down and out of her system before she even woke up. She fell asleep pretty fast then I was asked to wait about 1 hour till they were done. at about 1 1/2 hours I kinda went into my paronoid place and had to ask the nurse to check that she was ok, she gets on the phone and waiting way too long to tell me she was fine, I think I held my breath, and unfortionatly heard some of those terrible lines in my head (you know the ones where something went terribly wrong) I hate how Ive become that way, but I know what it feels like to be told that, I dont think it will ever leave me. Anyway she did go into recovery and I went in and held her, she started out doing what she always does and flopping around not knowing what to do, then almost right away I gave her a pacifier and she fell asleep. I sat there and dozed myself while rockeing her, whne she woke up she was almost completely normal, she ate and was talking anad trying to sit up. Her body was still a little weak but otherwis normal. So nice compared to the nightmares of coming out of anesthsia in the past.
Then we went to the anesthiaolagist. So here are the things to think about, when babies have twin to twin transfusion, the blood that flows from their body at times goes to another baby, So when we lost the girls thier blood was going to Ellina, this time there was no oxygen in their blood, it is a big worry of causing brain damage, then Ellina also had hydrops inutero (we think she looked like she did after birth) that is the fluid under the skin and also in the brain, and then being born at 25 weeks, brain injuries are pretty normal from being born too early. So here Ellina has all this against her. For her? well yesterday I saw a meaning of a name and it showed me something different, Ellina has 2 sisters in heaven watching over her, they had a purpose to ebing here and I believe felt no pain in passing, just told Ellina they would always watch her and went away peacefully.
I found a meaning to Emmalin's name and decided to go with it, (you know how alot of baby name books have different meanings) but in this one said, "Emma" means "one who heals" "Lyn" means "water fall" and middle name is "Mercy". "Ellianna" means "God has answered" and middle name is "Hope", "Ellina" means "Bright or light" and middle name Joy.
So I don't know if you got it already but here is what I think. I think having "one who heals" in utero with Ellina is what she had going for her and YES her brain had almost no damage, no brain bleeds, no injuries, just a little bit enlarged in the middle from being early, but that isn't cause any of the issues that they would worry it could. That hit me later then maybe Emmalin and Ellianna healed and helped Ellina after passing, maybe that oxygenated blood helped her to be able the breathe and kept her brain from bleeding etc.
And to get back to the name meaning Emmalin, One who heals with waterfalls of Mercy, and Ellianna, God has answered to have Hope, and Ellina, Our Light of Joy.
I have made a decision, I found that this last year when someone asked me how I was doing felt guilty if I said I was doing good, I felt like that was me saying I'm not sad even though I lost 2 of my children. I decided this, I am choosing to be ok, I wont ever stop missing my girls, I wont ever stop acknowledging their existence. They are just as alive as my other kids just in heaven alive (maybe more alive?) But I am choosing to be positive, I am choosing to say I am good, its ok to be good and happy and still miss my babies.

So my continuation, I realized I didnt post about my Ellina, who through everything makes me smile, and makes me see how blessed I am on top of everything else. She is a HUGE blessing and I am truly thankful, This past week she started to Crawl! its so amazing, she can roll from her stomach to back but not very well but if she is on her belly she can get ot a sit up position and go back to crawling! it just really amazing how well she is doing, she has an MRI on Wednesday, but really no concerns right now, she wont eat any solids but not quite old enough to make a fuss about it, just something to work on.

ok so, in the past month I have had a really hard time, I was cynical, depressed, and angry, I think it started with my girls birthday and went off the edge with baby Deidrich (baby that was next to my survivor) dying at 16 months. finally in the last few days I felt my spirits coming back up, and slowly coming out of it I feel good now, thankfully right in time to be able to enjoy my little sister's bridal shower! =)
But there were alot of angry questions and thoughts that I would like to talk about without as much of the anger with it. I made alot of discoveries about myself and my thoughts toward God. please feel free to comment any insight you might have for me on this as any is much needed.
I really question God, I want to trust Him and believe that when I pray for something I can can find some peace. When I first found out my girls were sick I was able to pray for my babies and ask for Gods will, I was ok with believing that His plan could be anything and He would help me through anything. When I went for surgery I realized that I couldnt pray, I realized I couldnt ask Gods will about my children's lives, all I could do is ask was let me hold my babies!!!!
Looking back I realize I am more having a hard time trusting God because not because my girls died, I feel like it happens, God didnt DO it, He allowed it because crappy things happen to everyone. But I begged Him to let my husband be there with me when I delivered our girls and Cody came back almost 24 hours later, we are both so messed up because he wasnt there, didnt get to see our angels and most of my family saw Ellina before he did. I dont know why God coudlnt have just made it so Ellina would have been ok inside one more day.
Talking to someone yesterday about God working in things that are hard, it was weird cause I was saying all the things I know people believe to be true. God will work things out, keep praying about it, you have to trust Him that he brought "that person" in your life for a reason, etc. But it was just weird because I know the lines, just dont know if I believe them. I want to so bad!

first year

Well we had a few smaller first year anniversaries but today is a big one. Today last year I was told that two of my babies had gone to heaven. I had to call my husband because he was gone in training and tell him, and then had to tell the doctors firmly "YES!!! you must try and save my survivor!" It still kills me looking back how many times I was told I should think about it because there was such a low chance that she would be ok. And I know she beat alot of odds and I will never belittle that fact. Looking back over the last year I have to say I don't think the grief part has gotten any easier, its kinda like a decease it has flares. Some days are completely normal and others it consumes us. Over the last week I have had some incidents that have really hurt me. I think because I am nearing their one year birthday I am alot more sensitive and I talk about it more, therefore getting hurtful responses. Thankfully its mostly from strangers or barely acquaintances. and just to say this to all of you reading this, I almost feel bad venting on here for fear that all of you are looking back worrying that you said something wrong.. Don't you are fine, I love all of you guys and I don't want you to worry, all of you that are my friends as long as you have never tried to belittle my pain or tell me I'm better off or should just be thankful (which I totally and extremely thankful for my Ellina) you haven't said anything wrong, I love you guys and are so thankful that you have been there for me.


Anyway I have a few updates on Ellina, She is doing great, has been off oxygen for about a month, and is in physical thereapy and speech therapy and is helping her motor skills tremendously. She can roll from her back to stomach although she rarely does without crying in frustration, she can sit on her own, falling over once in a while but still cant get herself to the sitting up position although she is working on it. The speach therapy was just started and we are still pretty early to draw many conclusions, so far we cant get her to put her tongue out which may mean she is tongue tied and her top lip is short which is kinda a form of tied just on her lip instead of tongue, but we will see, the lip thing isn't a surgical fix just stretching it and stuff.


She also has an MRI the end of this month, not really looking forward to it but I'm not too worried the results either, I want her to have one so we know what brain injuries she has not to find out that she has them, I think most 25 weekers and TTTS babies will have some. She for sure had oxygenated blood going into her brain so there has to be some injuries from that. So other then that Ellina has been somewhat uneventful, shes a great baby, as long as she is being held or talked to, her siblings think the is the best, they sometime 'smother her with love =) I have to keep a close eye. ha ha


On the girls first birthday we are going to do and birthday party/ baby shower/ memorial service for the girls, we are glad we are finally able to get something together for them ince this last year we have been running constantly. If anyone would like to attend or send card or gift I will be registered at target and walmart and the event info is on Facebook you can email me too for address info

Sitting on the couch today watching TV, with the kids and husband, its times like that when my baby is content on my lap that it'll hit me. I turned to say something to Cody and ended up bursting into tears instead. To me I know my girls, they are in heaven growing just like Ellina, only I missing out on it all. I know they are happy and in good hands I just wish I could be part of it. The things that keep hitting me now are questions, Eliza is 19 months and is really loving talking to and "helping" with Ellina, I have to wonder if she would have been able to tell the girls apart. Would she have just been confused? And Gareth, he would have understood that there are three of them but would he have been able to know who was who? I don't know, I find myself having days that I obsess about everyone else's babies, I have a few triplet mom friends and I sometimes look at their pictures and cry, and then I almost feel like a bad person trying to get an idea of what I am missing by using someone else. I obsess over pregnant women, even though I don't think pregnancy is a good idea for us right now, it doesn't change how much my mind says being pregnant would help me heal. I don't really think it would but knowing that doesn't seem to help.
I look at Ellina and she is such a great baby, such a miracle. She was born at 25 weeks, behind in growth, and yet she breathed on her own and never got sick and just did amazing. That shouldn't even be possible, my theory was God knew I couldn't take any more. But then I see these families that took more and more and then I just feel, I don't know, afraid to mention how blessed I was that Ellina has done so well? I pray endlessly for my fellow TTTS moms, mainly that God will help them through this because I know its very difficult.
To my girls Emmalin and Ellianna, You family misses you and will always love you.

Hi, So I guess I'm just crazy busy all the time, The lat month was well insane. My daughter Eliza, is 18 months and got RSV, here Ive been so worried about Ellina getting it so I kept her home most of the time, and Eliza gets it, so when I took her to the doctor they wanted to admit her into the hospital, do breathing treatments etc. it was supposed to be overnight assuming she would be on the mend pretty fast. Well he just kept getting worse, as glad as I was that she was in the hospital through all this it was terrible, I couldn't bring Ellina into the hospital room and so I had to go out to breastfeed her, problem was we couldn't leave Eliza or Ellina alone, so we needed a third person with one of them as we switched, it was fine until one morning all the nurses were busy, they said sorry we don't have anyone to sit with her so you cant leave. Thankfully they finally found someone but not before I started to freak out that either my baby was gonna stave or I was gonna be turned in for leaving my 18 month old daughter unattended. And then their was the challenge at night. the first night I thought it was a given, I had to be home with Ellina so Cody had to stay with Eliza. Well all night long I didn't sleep at all, when I had left Eliza was struggling so hard to breathe and nothing was helping, I have already been told that sorry your babies didn't make it and I just kept thinking it was going to happen again. I kept calling Cody and when he didn't answer, (yes at 2 or so in the morning, why was he sleeping???) so here I was at home feeling helpless. And no sleep for me. So after that I just stayed with Eliza and got up in the middle of the night and went to Ellina, it was awful but it worked. The day Eliza got sent home, Ellina started having trouble, the next day she too went to the hospital, but only over night, we decided that the synagis shot to help prevent RSV, must have helped because she had to be on higher oxygen but other then that no fevers or anything, so we went home the next day...


But now, Three weeks later we all seem much better and I think its safe to say..... Ellina is done with oxygen!!!! yes it feels very weird carrying her around without an attachment but she is doing great, at home I have her monitored and I don't stress it so much when we go places because she is doing so well. So I'm really hoping that she doesn't catch anything and have to go back on.


Anyway, I took Ellina to Physical therapy yesterday, she did an assessment and thinks that the reason Ellina cant roll is because of her smaller leg, she kicks it like crazy but tires easily. So I was given a few exercised to do with her ore then once a day and she said I don't need to see her more then once a month. normally someone would be relived to hear that but for me I was disappointed I finally told her, actually I need help, I am too busy to stay on top of this every day and I just need a little help. So she agreed to work with her once a week. She thinks Ellina is doing actually very well, she is ahead in some things but has what they call gaps, because she can do some things but not the things in between. but we are hoping very soon she will figure out, given the things I was given to help her along

The Boys really love their cousins!!!

Sometimes a little too much!!!! But they tolerate it really well!!!